Description: This piece is about spreading the word until everbody knows the meaning behind the thoughts. And when people know the ideas, they come together and they think the same. I hope you guys like this one.
Proverbs so easily remembered
From the lips of philosophers
Speaking tunes to mankind
Sailing the world of all worlds
Through the raindrop knives
And the wind blows of giants
Preventing for their words
To be spoken by many others.
Easy cliché after decades of use
Their ideas are now redundant.
Proverbs so easily forgotten
Recreated in many versions
Spoken in different languages
For the world to understand
What darkness has blindfolded
Pushed at the side of the corner
Words can never be an enemy
My thoughts are those of others.
I was just thinking about the contents of this poem, rather than its verseform, today! Understanding that a good idea has a life of its own, but first it must be given language that everybody can use: that's very important to understand, so I think this is a good poem because it explains that.
I can't find out what "pushed at the side of the corner" means; maybe this line needs to be changed, for clarity, because in this poem I guess the clear meaning is more important than the musical sound?
I don't think the poem is entirely successful, but the hell with that. You have designed here a lovely verseform and unless you have some objection, I'm going to use it a lot later for a series of little poems. Right now, I'm doing that with sonnets, but have been looking for other forms that would work just as well and be more, um, modern? Can you give this verseform a name? How did you come up with it, and what do you feel about it?
Free verse is a new discovery for every poem; but I have this project to find forms that can become useful, traditional, helpful to learners, easy for children to compose, recognizable and pleasurable to unsophisticated readers. I had all these thoughts whilst I was learning ballads, sonnets, all that stuff, and wondering why! I think 'why' is because people like reading and reciting and quoting them, and it is no more complicated than that!
That's why I was so galvanized to see possibilities in the verseform you have found here. I hope that explanation I just gave is coherent?
Proverbs[]easily remembered
From the lips of philosophers
Speaking [truths] to mankind
Sailing the world of [many] worlds
Through[]raindrop knives
And [gusts] of giants
Preventing[]their words
[From] be[ing] spoken by[]others.
Easy cliché after decades
of use Their ideas
[have become] redundant.
Proverbs[]easily forgotten
[Are] recreated; many versions
Spoken in different languages
For the world to understand[.]
What darkness has blindfolded
Pushed at the side [and] corners[?]
Words can never be an enemy
My thoughts are those of others.
Another thought you may want to consider:
Verse three, instead of to mankind you could use of mankind as to attribute a more critical therefore evolutionary touch the these ideas. This would be effect in my mind because you repeat in the next line to whom the ideas are directed, so it wouldn't become ambiguous, and it would add a little more depth I guess.
I really liked this piece for the essence of the idea, though I think you could do a lot more with this. The piece is short and concise which makes me want to say:Make it tighter. Some parts of this piece are loose, the wording doesn't yell out: "Look at me, I'm sexy - er, beautiful!" Keep working on it, and if you want some strange ideas.. I'm always open to talking.
Submission Name: Easy Cliché
