Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: so surrealdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 469
    Class/Type: Lyrics/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 576
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2877



    Description:
       i wrote this for him. i cant help it. i wrote it a while ago but oh man, i miss him. and it did rain dammit. what do i do???? are angels good enough????? i dont know. now im just trying to make my life right and its harder than i thought. i want o run but i cnat. i wish...... i dont know. but what the hell happened?????


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsso surrealdots
    -------------------------------------------


    looking up into the night
    to see the stars shining so bright
    a prayer to god to make things right
    to end this fight
    to give me sight

    miracles and fearie tales and majick tricks are real
    this threaded spinning wheel
    is twirling round my heart
    so it wont fall apart
    and i wont feel whats so surreal

    i find it hard to fight this feeling
    and theres no room for concealing
    what im stealing is your being
    and your soul
    but you wont make me whole
    i cant control
    the detours put in our way
    but heres for yesterday

    there was no first kiss
    we had no real bliss
    here on my wishlist
    i found my clentched fist
    in your moms mouth bitch

    cuz miracles and fearie tales and majick tricks are real
    this threaded spinning wheel
    is twirling round my heart
    so it wont fall apart
    and i wont feel whats so surreal

    i saw you looking through the shades
    of my window panes
    after the lights fade into gray
    why did you say
    we wont work out today
    why wont this pain just go away
    now i cant force you to stay
    or pay for my mistakes
    i cant erase
    the face you saw right next to mine
    maybe next time
    youll realize
    thats just how some girls gride
    in this lifetime

    cuz miracles and fearie tales and majick tricks are real
    this threaded spinning wheel
    is twirling round my heart
    so it wont fall apart
    and i wont feel whats so surreal

    all i ever wanted
    was to no longer be taunted
    by these dreams and schemes
    that im made to believe
    he sets me free
    outside me own mind
    and i start to leave you behind
    and theres nothing in him i find out of line
    and he'll be mine
    once i find to make things right again
    we are so close to being friends
    and when it ends
    it will be my angel i send to him

    but miracles and fearie tales and majick tricks are real
    this threaded spinning wheel
    is twirling round my heart
    so it wont fall apart
    and i wont feel whats so surreal

    i fell in love again
    with my best friend
    please dont let this ever end
    my heart wont ment again
    and i promise
    when its over
    its forever
    and i will never
    have rainy weather
    because of you
    or what you do
    because its so true

    that miracles and fearie tales and majick tricks are real
    this threaded spinning wheel
    is twirling round my heart
    so it wont fall apart
    and i wont feel whats so surreal




    Submitted on 2008-02-29 15:55:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      A few things, i liked some of the material, but didn't like some of the others. Some of the rhymes felt really forced, and a good example stuck out to me..

    "there was no first kiss
    we had no real bliss
    here on my wishlist
    i found my clentched fist
    in your moms mouth [censored]"
    That last line was totally forced in order to rhyme.

    However, there is potential with this, minus the spelling errors, and my favorite part was without a doubt this.....
    "cuz miracles and fearie tales and majick tricks are real
    this threaded spinning wheel
    is twirling round my heart
    so it wont fall apart
    and i wont feel whats so surreal"
    Build an entire lyric like this, and you will have gold.
    | Posted on 2008-04-05 00:00:00 | by hybridsongwrite | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this.
    i looked for the line that you said was like mine.
    buuuut.

    i wasn't quite sure.
    and naturally i dont want to say and be wrong.

    :]

    i really liked

    "there was no first kiss
    we had no real bliss
    here on my wishlist
    i found my clentched fist"

    fabulous.
    | Posted on 2008-02-29 00:00:00 | by shawnaSUNSHINE | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    158314

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Cover written by saartha
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    The World written by jjd
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    prison written by ShyOne
    Carry written by saartha
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Shi written by ShyOne
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Etiquette written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry