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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Temptation of Mendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soldier O_Tears
    ASL Info:    18/M/INDONESIA
    Elite Ratio:    2.25 - 41/129/120
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 529
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 647



    Description:
       


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    dotsTemptation of Mendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Despair has been a friend for every lonely man
    Yet, we try to be self sufficient
    Keeps us away from cannibalism

    Failure has been the reason
    For every bitter treason
    Still we wait for judgement
    Payment from what we've taken

    There is a temptation for men
    Who fall and cease to stand
    That came from a merchant
    Offering treason for last solution

    Keeps you alive for a while
    While devours your friends
    And everything seems so fine
    Until you found yourself lost











    Submitted on 2008-03-01 11:00:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You know men have them but you did'nt give the most high ones of the subject.You can lose the reader that way.Notice I said you did'nt not failed,just another simple mistake we poets make in our little short pieces.You made a point but I believe that could have been practice for you. 3.5stars
    | Posted on 2008-03-05 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall, I can see your point, but there are some grammar errors that seriously take away from the intensity of the poem. Now, I'll admit public education is lacking in this area; so I'll help you out. keep your tense the same throughout the poem, "Despair has been a friend" is past tense where "Keeping you alive for a while" is present tense and then you transition back to "Then you found yourself lost" which is past again. Go back and decide which way you want to swing and go with it.

    This line "For every lonely men" fails to make sense. It should either be for every lonely man or for many lonely men. Just keeping your pronouns in conjunction with its context.

    And one more thing that seems to help out the reader is if you add punctuation. A period symbolizes the end of a thought and a comma a pause. Just seems to help with the flow.

    Keep it up, with these few minor changes, your poem could be elite!

    ~orange
    | Posted on 2008-03-03 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]


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