Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Demon__666
    ASL Info:    18/f/your nightmares
    Elite Ratio:    2.45 - 270/315/89
    Words: 220
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 120
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1352



    Description:
       This is a bit confusing... I know it really jumps around and is full of spelling errors but this was how i felt. Tell me what you think!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When life is so beautiful,
    You wake up and smile.
    When your mom downs you,
    You laugh and take it.
    When you walk to school,
    Take time to reflect.
    When you look at old pictures,
    And smile with your friends.
    When people say they love you,
    You know it is the truth.
    When you walk down the hall,
    And dont have to fear school.
    When you go to class,
    And you love it because everyone has a blast.
    When life is so much fun,
    You know you have finally won.
    When you start to walk home,
    And a million people want to talk.
    When you walk with your brother,
    Both of you kick rocks.
    When you finally get home,
    You make every excuse to get out.
    When you come home to sleep,
    You get on the net instead.
    When you talk to that guy,
    You realize he is playing for keeps.
    When you finally get to sleep,
    You have such beautiful dreams.
    When you wake up in the morning,
    Your precious life starts over.
    When you just get dressed and smile,
    You take your life mile by mile.
    When you walk down the halls again,
    You laugh and goof with your friends.
    When you set in class and think,
    Even when you graduate, this kind of love never ends




    Submitted on 2008-03-02 10:12:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is very different from what you usually write, but I like it. You did comment on the jumpiness of this piece, so I'm not going to say more than try to add those details that will make this smooth.

    The "good days" in life are meant to be lived in a carefree manner. This piece shows just how carefree life can be. Although sometimes bad things happen, they are balanced with the good things in life. That way, life is never boring.

    Critique-wise, I would say test out different punctuations. Right now, you just have the A-B sentence. Comma first line, followed by a period. I'm sure some complex sentences can be made here, and I'm sure that the flow could be improved with that.

    Spelling was not an issue. Unless I'm mistaken, there are not any words incorrectly spelled. There is the missing apostraphe on the dont on line 12, but that's about it.

    Good write. I hope that I will be able to see more of this side of you.

    Have a good day,
    Cirruculum (TK)

    P.S., by the way, is the grass any greener on the other side yet?
    | Posted on 2008-03-06 00:00:00 | by Cirruculum | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, i LOVE this poem! :)
    | Posted on 2008-03-03 00:00:00 | by Kaygrl | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    158402



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry