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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I shall die in Venice in the raindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: eyeless in gaza
    Elite Ratio:    6.13 - 235/170/53
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 138
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1335



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    dotsI shall die in Venice in the raindots
    -------------------------------------------


    I shall die in Venice in the rain.
    Sluggish and soaked in a gondola,

    an unromantic death
    amidst a jovial carnival crowd.

    In the deep depths of sleep
    this is a reoccurring scenario,

    and when I see the Piazza San Marco
    a feeling of déjà vu arises

    for I have died this death several times.
    The gondola rows slowly,

    very slowly down the Canal Grande.
    Death standing at the helm

    in his mundane mantle, long white carnival beak
    protruding from the raised crow coloured hood.

    I feel the rain splashing softly against my face
    and a feeling of suffocation,

    trying to signal for help while motionless and speechless.

    My eyes scan the scenery for an exit
    as the piazza pigeons take flight, circling like vultures.

    The crowd in medieval costumes and solemn masks,
    tip their hats

    as we row on by into the dark horizon
    to the other side of the world.

    Where I check in and wait in the departure lounge
    amongst other passengers with similar dreams

    and we swap stories of our journeys,
    while waiting to see who is flying
    and who is falling.




    Submitted on 2008-03-02 14:25:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the ending is strong in the way that you usually pack your apparently ordinary imagery: this ending is an anachronism, for the reader confusingly finds themself leaving Venice via an airport, as tourists normally do nowadays, in parallel with being abducted away to wierdness by the white-beaked gondolier Death (I think he's wonderful and so Venetian/macabre!)

    Thus, the ending is strong because before ending this little story of death in Venice, the reader has to stumble back out of the departure lounge and at least figure out what just happenned and whether the gondolier checked in one's baggage. The effect mimics a dream's transitions.

    Since I got all that effect, I didn't get much out of the couplet that mentions the other side of the world. It didn't fit with the rest ... but perhaps I'm missing something, so that's my fault.

    The stucture in free couplets is ideal for the sort of poem you so often write.. I find it more effective and delightful than the stucture of continuously following lines without any paragraphing. Perhaps a repetitively patterned verseform, appropriately chosen, has helped you to sharpen the inner structure, too - the structure of the imagery and ideas, etc.? It seems so to me.
    | Posted on 2008-09-25 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      i spent a day in venice in the rain and the way the tourists behaved youd think they were going to melt or something... rain makes them crazy and my camera was non-stop photoing as a result.

    i like the way youve taken an ultimately romantic place and created the most unromantic death possible. im not into death and such in poetry but i think you have done something interesting here being that gondolas are usually rides of romance and yet its raining which makes the conditions dismal and unenjoyable which i guess sets the piece up perfectly.

    i really appreciate the way youve used venetian imagery and real place names in this piece. so many times people write whole pieces about places they know nothing about it and therefore the pieces have no basis or context or any credibility but your use of piazza san marco and canal grande gives you some credibility and weights the ideas in the piece as a result.

    it feels a little repetitious to me though... the strong start kinda weakens somewhere along the line and the end doesnt strike me to be as strong as it could be. not sure how to remedy that though...

    cool idea... venice in the rain... vicious!
    | Posted on 2008-03-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      "deep depths" use a different word to describe the depths or just take out the adjective all together.

    "circling like vultures." This is so cliché an image...perhapse it would be more interesting if you said something a bit more like, "as the piazza pigeons lift and circle--Venetian vultures." Or something of the like.

    Couple errors here, so I've put the corrections in brackets and omitted some of the commas...

    "[Where] I check in and wait in the departure lounge
    amongst other passengers with similar dreams[,]

    and we swap stories of our journeys
    while waiting to see who is flying
    and who is falling."

    I absolutely love the first two lines of this poem....very strong, not to mention the carnival setting, it's great. Anyway, take or leave the suggestions. Good write, by the way.
    | Posted on 2008-03-02 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]


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