the loudest quiet of veteran cylinders
pumping the passenger train engine
is a fitting departure from the
strange rituals of pride-driven aficionados.
4:02pm and Union Station platform 19 is
unsurprisingly devoid of such a
left-behind loved one, hunched over with loss.
my Sleep Stealer, i won't much miss
the cold disease of living
kitty corner to you -
you, who always were
the first to pull away.
sadness feels your heart when you wrote this i can see that you are heart broken maybe. but arent we all sometimes. The flow was a little misleading sometimes but you do end up catching a wave Medieval Aztec
...rattling sigh like the air brakes on the kaboose going off under inarticulate hands your language throughout this is broken and there is a dissonance which of course there should be and it's not that reassuring bubbly gum, bubbly gum as the train rolls away it's the clatter of poorly maintained tracks snapping back at the wheels and it's not like you're that fussed either with such a hard-nosed ending to preserve dignity... K
I can definitely relate to this. I find myself pulling away from women I'm interested in. I've never had a real close friendship with anyone. Never been close to my family, friends of past or present. Attraction is not a problem, but getting to a deeper level that can sustain a relationship on a permanent basis and not a temp thing. I want to commit but my heart won't let me. but I'm trying to work on it though not very successful at the moment. mind you most people in my past haven't been great people. my mom left when I was 2, my father ignored me most of my life,my friends have stole from me, one shot me with a pellet gun when I was a kid, my step brother tried to stab me after an argument, but generally I think most people suck from my past, but I do give them the benefit of the doubt. take care, Darren
i never got to read the original, so i can't really tell you if it reads better or not, but as of now it reads quite nicely. There are nice rhythmic changes that seem to pop up when reading it. "the loudest quiet of veteran cylinders pumping the passenger train engine into movement"
the sentence continues after this point, but "into movement" almost brought me to a standstill in an entirely great way. Just flying through the first lines, and then, bam! we're moving. you have to stop and feel the movement before continuance makes any sense. otherwise we are just sitting still on a train...
"4:02pm and Union Station platform 19" this adds great authenticity to this piece...not just describing a random station...a real time, a real departure...
"my Sleep Stealer" i'm officially going to knock you over the head and steal this line while you are out..."Sleep Stealer" so alive and bristling with contradictory connotations...
and the first to leave is now left behind...no chance given, which while seeming a lesson is also a bit saddening...probably never saw it coming... nice write blue... no suggestions...
I have now read this three times, and it is growing on me. I get a sense of the meaning, but "kitty corner" is not a familiar phrase where I'm from, I just hope I've got it right there. There is also this slight stumbling from event to more or less coherent but disjointed thought and back, which is something I like. Wordplay beating foreplay and aftereffects in one stroke of brilliant illumination...if you know what I mean.
living is a cold disease, isnt it? I guess the most of us wont be missing much of it once it finally passes. This we fairly well written. I liked the bit about the loud quiet...its a notion that hadnt run across my mind before...good write
I really think that reversing the structure of the line with the hunched over loved one would help the flow a bit... the current structure is odd to the tounge and interrupts the readers thought to say what is this saying. Liked the rest and I say bon voyage to those better sent on their way. jan
I appreciate the heads up in the description. An interesting poem, what do you call it when you see your own life in every interesting poem? Is it like the med student who think she has every disease she studies. I'm a poetichondriac. I would have to say I'm the guy in the black hat here though. I'm the one sitting kitty korner, selfishly enjoying my time with words and books and friends online. But fret not, I'm at work now. Not robbing the family of attention, at the moment. Oh, yes, and you wrote it all beautifuly, or I wouldn't have gotten all this out of it in such a quick fashion. Keep it up, I'll keep reading, Dve
You've drawn a character here, who is only initmated, especially through theme. It's an intriguing way to show how the love who's leaving really has but one purpose. Your images ring true, "strange rituals of pride-driven aficionados" and "Sleep Stealer". Of course the poem begins with the subtle analogy of the train's passenger "the loudest quiet of veteran cylinders.." I think the weakest part of this is "unsurprisingly devoid of such a left-behind loved one," I think I would omit "such", the degree of "left behind" is pretty complete. Overall it's wonderful, thanks for sharing. nansofast
my orchids girl this is very wow... i love how as i read the first few lines it kinda had a "choo choo choo" rhythm going on (though im sure theres a more technical name for it than that ) sleep stealer and cold disease of living are BRILLIANT lines girl! i dunno... ive read this a coupla times and each time ive come out feeling something different but at the moment im feeling triumphant! 'you, who always was the first to pull away.' but now its my turn! you cant hurt me no more... thats what im meaning by triumphant! awesome write my orchids girl!
Man, I LOVE this! I like "left-behind loved one,/hunched over with loss./my Sleep Stealer, i won't much miss/the cold disease of living/kitty corner to you." To quote Harry Potter, "It's bloody brilliant."