The Guise of Fear: Part the Second by Sheakhan

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Submission Name: The Guise of Fear: Part the Second dots

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Author:	Sheakhan
ASL Info:	21/M/FL
Elite Ratio:	5.72 - 163/168/73
Words:	135

Class/Type:	Prose/Misc
Total Views:	114
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	928

Description:
Not formatted the same way. I wrote this shortly after the last one, just too lazy to post it.

give it a whirl.

The Guise of Fear: Part the Second dots

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Like silk, from his mouth
he issued forth a command:
"Come, come friend and
let us meet."

"Friend" was interloper,
but not spoken as such.

He grasped my shoulder
once I crossed, shakingly,
the distance to him.

His eyes were embers.

He bade me, in honey tones,
to lay eyes on his audience
and to my horror,
I did as told.

And those beings of deepest dark
were layed out in front of me.
I lost sense.

He turned me to him,
once my eyes had drank
their fill of poison.

And I saw change.

"I am the Fear", he said again,
and there was transformation.

And mark me when I say that
his guise became something
beyond the realm of words.

Or mind.

Submitted on 2008-03-04 11:39:04 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Like silk, from his mouth
he issued forth a command:
"Come, come friend and
let us meet."

In a more orderly fashion, I think this would make sense. Not that it doesn't but say this out loud and it feels forced. The horror of it isn't coming out. I know this part isn't as horrific-themed as the rest, but it leads into it. You have to go full-force when you open, and keep punching out the lines.

His command came
Like silk from his mouth,
"Come, come friend and
let us meet."

"Friend" was interloper,
but not spoken as such.

Useless.

He grasped my shoulder
once I crossed, shakingly,
the distance to him.

His eyes were embers.

He bade me, in honey tones,
to lay eyes on his audience
and to my horror,
I did as told.

You got to level with yourself what you want happening first. Do you want to get to him, or does your shoulder get there before you do? I mean, technically, there needs to be some order here, as much as the formation doesn't let you. By the way, is there some particular form you're using here? Cos if you are, I'm completely mindf@cked by it cos I am paying NO attention to it.
Punctuate. And stop rambling.

Once I crossed the distance
to meet him, he grabbed my shoulder.
His eyes were embers.

He bade me, in honey tones,
to lay eyes on his audience.

To my horror,
I did as I was told.

The stanza right after should be attached to the previous stanza (comma after "told").

He turned me to him,
once my eyes had drank
their fill of poison.

And I saw change.

"I am the Fear", he said again,
and there was transformation.

You mentioned there was a change. It sunk in the first time.
And he said he was fear once. Not again.

He turned me to him,
once my eyes had drank
their fill of poison.

And I saw change.

"I am the Fear", he said.

And mark me when I say that
his guise became something
beyond the realm of words.

Stop using "and." There's a reason I asked you to ban it in the first place. This should be attached to the previous stanza (if you do decide to attach, then you may keep "and". I don't recommend you do, though.)

Or mind.

To final. This seems to be written in parts. So, just say "realm of words or mind." Makes things quick and you can follow through easily for the next part.

| Posted on 2008-06-11 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
Holy crap. This sounds like some mystical dream. I mean, I have some really weird dreams, but they never seem to be really really deep.

"And mark me when I say that
his guise became something
beyond the realm of words.

Or mind." --> This truly must have been fearful if it blew your mind. You are truly serious when you say "and mark me when I say".

"Like silk, from his mouth" --> Interesting contrast. Words flowing like silk from the mouth of deathly fear. Cool.

What's the inspiration for this piece? A thought, a dream? I'd like to know.
| Posted on 2008-03-04 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]

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