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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A fewdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aaron Felix
    ASL Info:    17/m/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 141/148/71
    Words: 285
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 82
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2074



    Description:
       Because it rhymes:

    "I sneezed these"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA fewdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Beer-Pong"

    Worthy is a red cup
    of all that has ever
    been said about it.

    Eloquent
    is the voice with
    which all inanimate things
    carry on
    conversations,

    Carry on
    my fellows. . .

    --------------------------------------------------------

    "University, dusk, en route 7-11"

    The evening, insofar as I can tell,
    is permeated by lights. The fact that I can see right now is unnatural. The humming of fans, the buzzing generators, the click-click as it flashes. . . all unnatural. And the conversations of them at the bus stop:
    "Twelve until what?"
    "Twelve Fifty Four"
    Oh, well those are another story.

    It's as though a prism, oppressed by
    all that is ill at ease, has exploded and
    in doing so, let out all the ink and the shadow, the vanity of artificial illumination, the farce of unspeakable politeness,
    the insanity of serenity. . .


    ------------------------------------------------------

    "To me"

    Stop it. Stop writing.
    You're writing crap anyhow.
    Why not just put the cap on
    the pen and watch this movie
    that's on TV.
    ................

    Dear reader, I am so
    aware of you right now, and I
    can imagine you. I am imagining
    you. This poem is just
    me telling you (a
    little note)
    that I'm imagining you.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    I handed him what I'd written.
    "Here you go" I said to him, handing him what
    I'd written.
    "I respect your opinion," I said,"and your ability to understand these things,
    and gauge them in terms of the work of others.
    (Something goes here)
    "I'll read it later," he said.




    Submitted on 2008-03-05 03:36:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Nitpick first, just so I don't forget... Line 6: inanimate.

    The end.







    Rhyme?... I didn't see it. Maybe a little in a few places, but that's more internally, and really... That's cool, unlike "roses are red, violets are blue...etc" you know? And to be honest, because I'm a cynical bi.tch that has given up on people actually rhyming with skill, that almost made me leave. But onwards.

    There are some places where the language doesn't quite fit the mood (insomuch... in doing so...). It's up to you, but I'd read through this again and dissect your own language a bit. I dunno if this is how you actually talk or not, but even if it is, you should maybe consider your audience a bit more (haha considering you wrote a poem for us), and maybe sacrifice some of your original excess baggage for the sake of easier reading. But that's just me. These words (and others... somewhere), seem like you're just adding them in to add them in. To make it sound superior (almost haughty).

    Dunno. Your choice.

    Last mini-poem/stanza... The repetition of "handing him what I'd written," gets me in a bad way. I can see how it could maybe be to show some sense of simplicity, but I think that these lines are too close, and it's not such a great line to repeat, at least not word for word.

    Okay, that kind of turned into lots of nitpicks, but I'm sorry about that. Here's your comment for real :)



    Okay.



    ... Overall, I really liked it. I like things that seem like they were written at twilight, in those strange hours when you're not sure where your head is. But you're wide awake, and the only thing that seems right is to write. Or to drink, or wander the streets. Or all three. So... there's soemthing here that's hard to grasp (in terms of description), and the many mini-poems (dunno what you're calling them; the term fits for my purpsoses) stand okay-ish on their own, but really, they fit very well as a whole. They work together to describe this feeling, because it's like trying to describe your bedroom with the lights out, or your eyes closed. You know the bed is here, the bookshelves are there, the curtains are green, the carpet is blue... But you can't remember the specifics, and trying to describe it all merely by touch and memory is hard. And you don't get it all right. But you can sort of remember where it was you left your shoes because of where the desk is and where your stack of homework is and where you were sitting last night, laying against the carpet listening to some [censored]ty CD. ......... Right? Haha Please forgive the crazy--I just woke up :)

    Anyway. I'm not sure what all I can say (haha I think I -always- say that, and then I wind up writing an essay after).

    Oh, another formatting thing... Not entirely necessary, but maybe cut the comma in the 2nd stanza, and capitalize "carry." Just to add some variety in there...? Also, it seems you're addressing someone in those words, whereas before you were just describing, or something...
    ...
    .
    .
    .


    Hm... more formatting... (applogies)

    I dunno if the last mini-poemstanza needs a title or not, but the way it is, it almost appears as part of "To me." Either that, or these three poems, you gave him, and this is just your recount of what happened...? So........ Yeah, not so much a problem, as my own curiosity.
    Thanks for sharing... It's hard to describe why I like this :)
    | Posted on 2008-04-06 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]


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