Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cutter's Poemdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aethyx
    ASL Info:    14/f/sc
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 25/23/15
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 644
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1093



    Description:
       The first two stanza's are taken from the "Cutter's Poem"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCutter's Poemdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Go to sleep
    And close your eyes
    Dream of broken butterflies

    They cannot fly
    Their wings are torn
    You know to well
    The pain they've bourne

    Hug your pillow
    Stained so red
    Cry out your eyes
    Lay down your head

    A little cut here
    And a little cut there
    No one will notice
    No one will care

    Slash away
    Once again
    Your family lets you
    You have no friends

    Slice your wrists
    Play in the blood
    It's not enough
    Till it starts to flood

    Everything is now fading to black
    It's to late now
    You can't go back

    You close your eyes
    And lay down your head
    Thinking what it's like
    To be dead

    And soon enough
    You'll fade away
    Never to see
    The light of day

    Tomorrow comes
    And they find you dead
    Slashes in your arms
    Bullet in your head





    Submitted on 2008-03-06 11:56:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      flow is right just transposed stanzas. it's kind of a normality these days to see something like this so it makes it quite easy to critique, if i were to score this about of the last ten- 1 being the highest, this is about a three. it's not corny, it's genuine, good flow easy on the read. good work, i'll be reading more of your stuff.
    | Posted on 2008-03-20 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written very well, but I do have a few suggestions. Line 25 Everything is now fading to black throws the rhytm off. There are too many words. If I may:Everything fades to black That would keep the flow. Also, line 30 Thinking what it's like that throws off the rhythm as well. Again, if I may: Think what it's like It's a subtle change but it would make all the difference.

    I've lived this life. I've written many poems similar to this, that's why I have no room to say that if you are cutting, you're doing something wrong. Granted self-mutilation isn't the best thing to do and it hurts more than just you, but whatever makes you feel better. I know at the time it did for me. Probabally for different reasons.

    Anyway, great poem. It was written fantastically. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading

    »Haely«
    | Posted on 2008-03-08 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      All I can say is that that was my past. 5stars
    | Posted on 2008-03-08 00:00:00 | by Rex Gold | [ Reply to This ]
      AWSOME !! i really loved it ...

    <Slice your wrists
    Play in the blood
    It's not enough
    Till it starts to flood>

    this part was great .. except that <play in the blood> seemed weak ..i suggest you'd revise it...

    plus, <Never to see
    The light of day>
    this one seemed cliché and said too much before !!

    Overall , great job... this is soo going as a fav !!

    ~TumTum
    | Posted on 2008-03-06 00:00:00 | by Dying Young | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    158625

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Cover written by saartha
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Carry written by saartha
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Records I written by Raphael
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    The World written by jjd
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    prison written by ShyOne
    Journey written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry