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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Can't Stand Stilldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ettenna Izus
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 11/9/14
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 495
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1067



    Description:
       


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    dotsYou Can't Stand Stilldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Consider the leaves whirling around outside my window.
    When I stop to view only one, it drops away quickly
    and settles to the ground, abandoned by the wind that carried it
    while the collective spinning force remains fleshed-out with its brothers.
    It picks up the crowds in its path, like a soft hopeful song does
    until they rustle gently to the ground again.

    One never notices a beginning or ending to this process,
    any unseen break in the circle of existence,
    that brief transition from life to death,
    old end to new beginning.

    Itís the same way my grandfather died.
    Iím hovering in the kitchen with my father
    all shaken and silent, drifting thoughts picked up and dropped again
    while Judy blubbers and sobs and I can hardly feel the steady stream
    of tears that dampen my neck and collar.
    I wonder about this thing that unsettles us all so deeply,
    knowing itís inevitable, obvious, the one stationary form in this spinning room.




    Submitted on 2008-03-06 20:18:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this piece. It began almost allegorically, with the whirlwind leaves. You humanize it a lot though, with a personal tragedy most can empathize with. Something else I enjoyed which can go both ways depending on the reader is the personal, realistic down to earth if you will, tone of the piece. You throw Judy out, one can only assume she is your sister, or an estranged aunt of some sort. The only problem besides that possibilities that I can see with this piece is that it's more prose than it is poetry. You need to refine the verses, make them more poetically concise. The way you write this, it's as if you are dialogging some kind of philosophical preponderation.

    I don't want that to come across as discouraging, because it truly is a quality. You have methodical thinking down, you just display it the wrong way. Methodical thinking can be very powerful when it comes to poetry for words, sounds and aspersing the world in satire. People are waiting for you to show them up, you just need to work to be able to do that. I guess notions are the most important thing to you, because that is what you display the most here. You show a connection between a seemingly unpredictable event and something well forecasted even at birth; death. Of course there is a simplistic beauty in that relation, the unification of all under one. Show it to us in a pretty, witty way. Heck, it doesn't have to be either, if it is in your way. Just show us a different way, besides thinking differently, say it to us differently. Do you understand what I am saying? Instead of resorting to clichť lines to be understood, us abstract yet straightforward ways of saying things to get your message across. This may just be my tired rambling, but oh well.
    | Posted on 2008-03-14 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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