[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Tackle the Beardots

    Author: Ceyx
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 111/107/81
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Poetry/Lostfriend
    Total Views: 676
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1654


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTackle the Beardots

    You are a loathsome itch on the tips of my brain
    I so tire of having to constantly try and explain
    I can never sleep at night because I NEVER got my say
    And the fact that you leave me, left me- insane
    Left me with no answers in factless dismay
    You can not hope to understand the long term damage that you've done
    And I know it's deep seeded and not just from your actions begun
    But I just couldn't tackle the bear...

    I watched you eat and tear away like some lying viral strain
    Slowly pushing falsehoods through my lost cerebral vein
    So foolishly I stood there, holding a bouquet
    Might as well of been black roses covered in cocaine
    Because you simply used me up and then you simply went away
    I doubt you'll ever be outdone
    I hope that you at least had fun
    Watching me try to tackle the bear...

    Take you away from me and you think that something will remain?
    As if you were not the anchor at the end of my fucking chain
    I said I fucking love you and I know that it's cliché
    I can't comprehend why you only seem to wish upon me pain
    You are missing all the simple things I'm trying to convey
    Well, nothing really matters in your long run
    And I hope you one day realize I'm not to be forgotten- I'm the one
    For you I could have tackled the bear...

    Submitted on 2008-03-07 17:01:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like the idea, and I think the repetition of tackle the bear is very well done. In general, things flow well, and it's a good write.

    My issue with it, though, is that it can't quite decide on a tone. Parts of it are very dignified and correct, and parts of it are just your anger taking control and making things crazy. Tkae some of the parts with more slang and make them more sophistocated to match the rest of the poem, because right now it sounds a bit schitzophrenic (sp?).

    Keep writing,
    | Posted on 2008-03-08 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Shi written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Records I written by Raphael
    Dream written by closetpoet
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]