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    dots Submission Name: Tackle the Beardots

    Author: Ceyx
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 111/107/81
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Poetry/Lostfriend
    Total Views: 735
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1654


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTackle the Beardots

    You are a loathsome itch on the tips of my brain
    I so tire of having to constantly try and explain
    I can never sleep at night because I NEVER got my say
    And the fact that you leave me, left me- insane
    Left me with no answers in factless dismay
    You can not hope to understand the long term damage that you've done
    And I know it's deep seeded and not just from your actions begun
    But I just couldn't tackle the bear...

    I watched you eat and tear away like some lying viral strain
    Slowly pushing falsehoods through my lost cerebral vein
    So foolishly I stood there, holding a bouquet
    Might as well of been black roses covered in cocaine
    Because you simply used me up and then you simply went away
    I doubt you'll ever be outdone
    I hope that you at least had fun
    Watching me try to tackle the bear...

    Take you away from me and you think that something will remain?
    As if you were not the anchor at the end of my fucking chain
    I said I fucking love you and I know that it's cliché
    I can't comprehend why you only seem to wish upon me pain
    You are missing all the simple things I'm trying to convey
    Well, nothing really matters in your long run
    And I hope you one day realize I'm not to be forgotten- I'm the one
    For you I could have tackled the bear...

    Submitted on 2008-03-07 17:01:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the idea, and I think the repetition of tackle the bear is very well done. In general, things flow well, and it's a good write.

    My issue with it, though, is that it can't quite decide on a tone. Parts of it are very dignified and correct, and parts of it are just your anger taking control and making things crazy. Tkae some of the parts with more slang and make them more sophistocated to match the rest of the poem, because right now it sounds a bit schitzophrenic (sp?).

    Keep writing,
    | Posted on 2008-03-08 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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