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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You of all peopledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.88 - 62/87/67
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 581
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 982



    Description:
       my friend died...and this is for her..i love you kara


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou of all peopledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lay there,
    Still...
    Rest your eyes.
    Keep it in.
    Don't breathe.
    Lay there,
    In artifical sleep...
    Laced layed fingers;
    Glue on your face.
    She is you,
    You are her...
    So still.
    Far away from:
    Your own skin.
    No movement,
    Only tears...
    Down my cheek.
    Yesterday,
    Today,
    What regret or wish,
    Does life seek?
    To go back...
    Look at your face.
    One more time,
    In your mind,
    But your mind...
    No longer,
    Thinks.
    Lay there...
    As a beauty;
    Getting her:
    Artifical sleep.
    I wonder,
    I search,
    As i think to myself...
    Do you of all people,
    Want this for yourself?
    I wish you well,
    As you lay in your bed.
    Not making a sound...
    Do you,
    Of all people,
    Want your space:
    Filled,
    In the ground?




    Submitted on 2008-03-07 17:58:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, first off- my condolences...

    I like this write. And I know you wrote it in memory of your friend- but if I could just offer a suggestion?
    I think if you compacted the lines- and made it not so thin and long- it would read a lot better. For example:

    Lay there,
    Still...
    Rest your eyes.
    Keep it in.
    Don't breathe.
    Lay there
    In artifical sleep...

    Laced layed fingers; glue on your face.
    She is you / you are her...
    So still.
    Far away from:
    Your own skin.
    No movement, only tears...
    -Down my cheek.

    Yesterday, today-
    What regret or wish, does life seek?
    To go back...
    Look at your face.
    One more time, in your mind-
    But your mind...
    ...no longer thinks.

    Lay there...
    As a beauty;
    Getting her artificial sleep.
    I wonder, I search-
    As I think to myself...
    Do you of all people
    Want this for yourself?

    I wish you well
    As you lay in your bed.
    Not making a sound...
    Do you, of all people,
    Want your space:
    Filled
    In the ground?

    All I did was break it into stanzas of 7 lines- but I think it makes a difference. It's just a suggestion. You could condense it any way you wish. But it's a good write, nevertheless! Also- just so you know; artificial is misspelled.
    Again, I am sorry for your loss.
    And I would be honored if something like this was written about me after I passed.

    *love and light*

    -Ceyx
    | Posted on 2008-03-07 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]


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