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    dots Submission Name: Naturally We're Falling Apartdots

    Author: Keiran
    ASL Info:    20/M/NZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 40/47/33
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 671
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 939


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNaturally We're Falling Apartdots

    White leaves on the trees in the midst of summer
    Makes me wonder
    If the seasons aren't failing us
    After all

    Crashing waves smothered in foam
    Under which the ocean denizens roam
    It would seem
    That this is the real world in the end

    So if this is the end of the world
    Let's grow together
    As it falls apart

    Man and his plans
    Poorly executed certainly
    But oh so hopeful
    Occasionally beautiful

    It would seem all we have left
    Is mutually assured destructiveness
    If someone pushes the button

    So if this is the end of the world
    Fight till the last
    Like we are worth it
    After all

    Because after all
    Your smile is valued more than this pain
    Sunlight worth every dreadful shadow
    Found in lives
    Yours and mine

    Submitted on 2008-03-08 00:04:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      If I were standing in Sting's "Fields of Gold" and I were deep enough to have thoughts tinged with romantic realism such as these, I think I would have found temporal but touchstone truth, as elusive as that quest can be. This is like that Death Cab for Cutie song, "Follow You Into the Dark" but infinitely more palatable and touching.

    So much of this is ... I haven't a word to use for it. Envy because I haven't looked at a tree and come up with something so simple, so insightful and at the same time, so axis-tilting as this in ages. A lot of the time with poetry, writers (including myself) are so consumed with stuffing in every conceivable adjective applicable (and some not so relevant) in every carefully crafted line. Here, you are almost stream of consciousness in this plain construction. Perhaps that's why this feels so honest and is so compelling, because it's not dressed up and it's not fancy and it's not trying so hard to leave an impact; it simply is something that would leave a mark on the soul.

    There's not much more I can say that isn't similar gushing; I completely adore this. The one thing I would say as a suggestion? From the tone of the piece and the usage of "after all" in the preceding stanzas, I felt like the second to the last stanza would make a better impact as the last stanza:

    So if this is the end of the world
    Fight till the last
    Like we are worth it
    After all

    But I understand why it isn't last; if you are so inclined, perhaps switch up some lines from both? Or perhaps:

    Minutes to midnight and
    Sunlight is still worth every dreadful shadow
    Your smile is valued more than this pain
    Found in lives
    Yours and mine

    So if this is the end of the world
    Fight till the last
    Like we are worth it
    After all

    Such a favorite. Thanks for sharing. :)

    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      it's great to come across poetry which has a positive message, which this does... that there are smiles to be found even amongst the overwhelming shadows, that there is life even when faced with sure death... tenements i've always held to as well.

    just a short note of appreciation.
    | Posted on 2008-03-10 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]
      first off...i'm faving this...i love it...i rarely find writing on here that i really love atleast of late this place has lost alot of talented writers but i smile when i find this...its fantastic...the first stanza is perfect...and the rest that follow are just as great...and the last stanza closing it of perfectly...the line" your smile is valued more than this pain" it really stood out...its meaning wrapped in such a simplistic nature...i love writes like these...alot because you've made the simplistic beautiful...purps
    | Posted on 2008-03-08 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]

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