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    dots Submission Name: Blocksdots

    Author: purplesun24
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 1139/1171/167
    Words: 77
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 830
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 509

       a revised piece

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    we've woken to seperate atmosheres.
    yet we exist in the same tangle of various quilts.
    i can't recall the last time
    our hearts knew each other.
    i can only break so many times before
    i can no longer feel
    to reconize my reflection in the mirror.
    i can't erase these words i chose not to take back.
    you didn't even try
    to say you were sorry.
    was that one moment of satisfaction
    worth are destruction.

    Submitted on 2008-03-08 07:55:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Very touching and your word choice and expression is very good indeed.

    First rate writing from you.

    | Posted on 2009-07-03 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      This tears at my very heart...
    Though as with most things you write I was inspired. You are a Beautiful woman, and I intend to tell you of this more often, because I think you really need to hear that more.

    Keep writing o beautiful woman, for this silly boy needs a muse, and you inspire me.

    | Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      Revised pieces are the best pieces because it means they are loved!

    Spelling errors aside; I LOVE that opening line! What a great start to you posting again!!!

    I get the image of laying next to someone, tangled in the blankets- close, but galaxy's apart... That far feeling no matter how much you desire their touch... And then it is all self-destruction after.

    I like the title and how it relates to the overall feel of the piece.

    Glad you are posting again!


    | Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]
      you use all lowercase like i do!
    kudos on the style-choice...
    i approve. :)

    one thing; in poetry, there is an assumed period at the end of each line. you technically don't need the periods. in addition to being a guideline, it also makes your piece look more polished and uniform.

    and while it tells a complex story in very few words, and i did enjoy it very much, it has a few spelling errors.

    i feel that if you are going to put something up for critique, you should at least care enough about your work to put it through an online spellchecker if you know you can't spell very well.

    here are your spelling errors:

    'seperate' should be 'separate'.
    'atmosheres' should be 'atmospheres'.
    'reconize' should be 'recognize'.
    'are' should be 'our'-
    and the last line is a question, and should rightfully end in a question mark.

    just thought i'd help.
    | Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ]
      atmosheres. = atmospheres
    worth [are] destruction. = our?

    there are certain pages i come to when i want to read something good and your page never lets me down.

    i like the idea of waking in the same bed and yet different atmospheres...
    it brings a new spin to the waking up with a stranger who is actually your significant other story...
    different atmospheres creates an image of different worlds... different planets even...
    it makes me sad.

    i cant recall the last time our hearts knew eachother.

    this is a sad realisation.
    sad because of the nights spent in the same bed since the last time hearts knew... it seems like such a waste of time...
    perhaps it was wasted in hoping or convincing oneself that hearts would make themselves known to each other once more but days pass and it hasnt happened and hence the atmospheric difference... distance...

    i can only break so many times before
    i can no longer feel
    to reconize my reflection in the mirror.

    your line breaks in this part are wonderful.
    it was almost as if each line wanted to be the end of the sentence and yet there was still more to come... kinda like a compounded interest except the interest was on a debt which left you owing more [not that that prolly makes any sense right now]

    and youre left asking 'was it worth it?'
    and thats never a question that can be easily answered and maybe not easily asked either for fear of the answer to come...
    | Posted on 2008-03-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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