our tattered remnants
and our love hasnt visited lately
youve taken me for dead
as you look into my eyes
and see what used to be there
i cant figure
i cant figure
and i'm wasted
sitting here
pondering the seconds
as the clock turns
its face
were past more than moments
weve spanned eternities
in other peoples
flesh and bones
we are the ones
who have
continuolsly died
lonely
not finding what weve
been looking for
our hands have reached through time
yet our fingers
never seem
to reach that moment
when our souls can be together
the skys stretch so far
it makes
the world seem
lonely
Loneliness seems to be the theme tonight. Three in a row I've read, make that four counting this one. OMG!! You used an apostrophe, "time's remnants." I know you write in your own style so I won't mention grammar or punctuation. I'll just say the following:
L1 - Change "our" to "the."
L2 - Change "hasn't" to "haven't.
Because "remnants" is plural.
L4 - Change "as" to "for."
It explains why.
L28 &/or L29 "the sky stretches" or "they make." Not like it is.
This is sad and somewhat nostalgic, remembering how it was. Lost or missing love is a classic theme, difficult to bring to life. You've done it very well:
"haven't visited lately"
"take me for dead"
"as the clock turns
its face"
"in other peoples
flesh and bones"
"....that moment
when our souls can be togeteher"
These are some of my favorite lines. They exemplify your originality. They are what makes this poem new and refreshing.
Now, after these four, I must try to find a happier piece, or maybe write one....I don't think I can.
I think 'you've mistaken me for dead' would sound better as your 3rd line.
Oh, wait- then you'd have to slightly rework the tense if the 4th line... Hmmm, well- it's still something to think about.
HA! I can't figure and I'm wasted too! Damn, drunk at 10am... Do I have a problem? Man, I've been drinking since 9 last night though! I just kept the party going!!! Hahaha...
I like this but I really am not a fan of the fragmented and broken-up sentences... I've mostly always preferred they are complete... Except in instances when a segmented word or phrase adds a knife to the gut.
I tried to reformat your words to show you what I mean- but I kept [censored] up... Sorry.
I probably shouldn't review anything right now- but my thoughts are still valid- even if I can't express them outright...
Submission Name: time's remnants
