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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: time's remnantsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: purplesun24
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 1139/1171/167
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 607
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 816



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotstime's remnantsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    our tattered remnants
    and our love hasnt visited lately
    youve taken me for dead
    as you look into my eyes
    and see what used to be there
    i cant figure
    i cant figure
    and i'm wasted
    sitting here
    pondering the seconds
    as the clock turns
    its face
    were past more than moments
    weve spanned eternities
    in other peoples
    flesh and bones
    we are the ones
    who have
    continuolsly died
    lonely
    not finding what weve
    been looking for
    our hands have reached through time
    yet our fingers
    never seem
    to reach that moment
    when our souls can be together
    the skys stretch so far
    it makes
    the world seem
    lonely





    Submitted on 2008-03-08 07:59:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Loneliness seems to be the theme tonight. Three in a row I've read, make that four counting this one. OMG!! You used an apostrophe, "time's remnants." I know you write in your own style so I won't mention grammar or punctuation. I'll just say the following:

    L1 - Change "our" to "the."
    L2 - Change "hasn't" to "haven't.

    Because "remnants" is plural.

    L4 - Change "as" to "for."

    It explains why.

    L28 &/or L29 "the sky stretches" or "they make." Not like it is.

    This is sad and somewhat nostalgic, remembering how it was. Lost or missing love is a classic theme, difficult to bring to life. You've done it very well:


    "haven't visited lately"
    "take me for dead"
    "as the clock turns
    its face"
    "in other peoples
    flesh and bones"
    "....that moment
    when our souls can be togeteher"

    These are some of my favorite lines. They exemplify your originality. They are what makes this poem new and refreshing.

    Now, after these four, I must try to find a happier piece, or maybe write one....I don't think I can.

    Thanks heeps.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2008-03-23 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I think 'you've mistaken me for dead' would sound better as your 3rd line.
    Oh, wait- then you'd have to slightly rework the tense if the 4th line... Hmmm, well- it's still something to think about.

    HA! I can't figure and I'm wasted too! Damn, drunk at 10am... Do I have a problem? Man, I've been drinking since 9 last night though! I just kept the party going!!! Hahaha...

    I like this but I really am not a fan of the fragmented and broken-up sentences... I've mostly always preferred they are complete... Except in instances when a segmented word or phrase adds a knife to the gut.

    I tried to reformat your words to show you what I mean- but I kept [censored] up... Sorry.
    I probably shouldn't review anything right now- but my thoughts are still valid- even if I can't express them outright...

    -Ceyx
    | Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]


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