i suppose the one second would seem like an hour or more to someone who is contemplating suicide, putting the finger on the trigger pulling it back waiting for the click then the shot and in between all that flashbacks(maybe you should have added some) of different momments in life, happier or sad moments(?)i liked the line about the gun feeling twice as heavier as before, it,s a strong line,i think it allows the reader to get into the mind of this person of how he actually thought when picking up the gun. he could have picked the gun up then put it back down , not to sure if it is the right thing to do or not thought about it again, picked the gun back up noticing the change in weight with the desicion.all descibed in one line, thats really good.
i enjoyed the poem it had an interestingtheme and a haunting touch to it.well done.
thanks for sharing
You have a strong style displayed here, and I think with a few tweaks, this will reverberate just as the echo of the gunshot in the room.
The first snag I came across was in the first stanza:
"Shots after shots"
Are you talking about literal shots (as in, shots fired, officer down) or pictures? I wasn't sure. If it's pictures, I would say "moment upon moment" or go specific with "birthdays and beach days and lazy sundays" to convey that these are different moments having nothing to do with one another except that they are your moments and that they are coming one after the other. Sidenote: it's not a very popular practice, but I find that giving your readers specific details gives them more to anchor onto in your work and more places to sit and take in the scene you're sharing. Name a song you were thinking of, describe the exact shade of the blanket you sit on for picnics, etc. It all helps draw in the reader and connect with you and your words.
And then in the third stanza you have:
"Twice as heavier as before"
It seems to be that the correct tense should be "heavy", but don't quote me on it. My mind just tripped over it and noticed that something about it is slightly off and it slowed my reading, drew me away from the piece.
There is also this:
"The weight it contains
Upon people to cease
It's provocative and intriguing - I'm just not quite sure what conclusion I should draw from it. So maybe substituting out a few helping verbs here and there would make it clearer? What did you mean to say here?
The last stanza is the most straightforward and encapsulating of the title and thesis of the piece, but by ending your piece with the word "pain" ... somehow it wasn't the ending I was hoping for. Maybe it's a function of my own personality? Or maybe it's a window to your personality? Either way, this is probably the longest comment I've written in ages, so congratulations and much thanks for giving me so much food for thought. :) Very interesting concept and reflection point. Thanks for sharing this.