Description: If someone puts a bullet in their head, how long will the pain lasts before that person dies? And if it's a second or so, how long is that second?
The One Second Bullet -------------------------------------------
Flashbacks
Memories of the days
Exploding in your mind
Shots after shots
Smiling at you
Whispers of words
Murmuring
Stop
Breathe
Start
Observe
The weapon
Twice as heavy as before
Possessed in your hands
The weight it contains
Upon people to cease
Living
Breathe
Imagine
How long
One second will take
Before the end approaches
Or a beginning emerges
Before you are released
Or captured by
Pain
Well- this is just freakin' AWESOME!!!
WoW- I loved it. 5. Favorited.
The structure was great and fit right along with the theme. And oh, what a theme!
I'd wager those few seconds are basically the literal interpretations of Hel. Lasting forever in your minds-eye... And then you're just gone...
The pauses for the breath were such a good idea. Shows how sort the instance is, too... All in a breath or two... But so much in the in-between!
The 2nd part was awesome how it's the realization of what just happened and the noticing every detail because it's all that's left... Right after that first part where the whole life flashes......
i suppose the one second would seem like an hour or more to someone who is contemplating suicide, putting the finger on the trigger pulling it back waiting for the click then the shot and in between all that flashbacks(maybe you should have added some) of different momments in life, happier or sad moments(?)i liked the line about the gun feeling twice as heavier as before, it,s a strong line,i think it allows the reader to get into the mind of this person of how he actually thought when picking up the gun. he could have picked the gun up then put it back down , not to sure if it is the right thing to do or not thought about it again, picked the gun back up noticing the change in weight with the desicion.all descibed in one line, thats really good.
i enjoyed the poem it had an interestingtheme and a haunting touch to it.well done.
thanks for sharing
You have a strong style displayed here, and I think with a few tweaks, this will reverberate just as the echo of the gunshot in the room.
The first snag I came across was in the first stanza:
"Shots after shots"
Are you talking about literal shots (as in, shots fired, officer down) or pictures? I wasn't sure. If it's pictures, I would say "moment upon moment" or go specific with "birthdays and beach days and lazy sundays" to convey that these are different moments having nothing to do with one another except that they are your moments and that they are coming one after the other. Sidenote: it's not a very popular practice, but I find that giving your readers specific details gives them more to anchor onto in your work and more places to sit and take in the scene you're sharing. Name a song you were thinking of, describe the exact shade of the blanket you sit on for picnics, etc. It all helps draw in the reader and connect with you and your words.
And then in the third stanza you have:
"Twice as heavier as before"
It seems to be that the correct tense should be "heavy", but don't quote me on it. My mind just tripped over it and noticed that something about it is slightly off and it slowed my reading, drew me away from the piece.
There is also this:
"The weight it contains
Upon people to cease
Living"
It's provocative and intriguing - I'm just not quite sure what conclusion I should draw from it. So maybe substituting out a few helping verbs here and there would make it clearer? What did you mean to say here?
The last stanza is the most straightforward and encapsulating of the title and thesis of the piece, but by ending your piece with the word "pain" ... somehow it wasn't the ending I was hoping for. Maybe it's a function of my own personality? Or maybe it's a window to your personality? Either way, this is probably the longest comment I've written in ages, so congratulations and much thanks for giving me so much food for thought. :) Very interesting concept and reflection point. Thanks for sharing this.
Submission Name: The One Second Bullet
