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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The One Second Bulletdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: charmedidentity
    ASL Info:    23/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    6.9 - 864/897/406
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 835
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 614



    Description:
       If someone puts a bullet in their head, how long will the pain lasts before that person dies? And if it's a second or so, how long is that second?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe One Second Bulletdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Flashbacks
    Memories of the days
    Exploding in your mind
    Shots after shots
    Smiling at you
    Whispers of words
    Murmuring
    Stop

    Breathe

    Start
    Observe
    The weapon
    Twice as heavy as before
    Possessed in your hands
    The weight it contains
    Upon people to cease
    Living

    Breathe

    Imagine
    How long
    One second will take
    Before the end approaches
    Or a beginning emerges
    Before you are released
    Or captured by
    Pain




    Submitted on 2008-03-08 20:37:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well- this is just freakin' AWESOME!!!
    WoW- I loved it. 5. Favorited.

    The structure was great and fit right along with the theme. And oh, what a theme!

    I'd wager those few seconds are basically the literal interpretations of Hel. Lasting forever in your minds-eye... And then you're just gone...

    The pauses for the breath were such a good idea. Shows how sort the instance is, too... All in a breath or two... But so much in the in-between!

    The 2nd part was awesome how it's the realization of what just happened and the noticing every detail because it's all that's left... Right after that first part where the whole life flashes......

    Really did enjoy this one!

    *love & light*

    -Ceyx


    | Posted on 2008-04-06 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the way you built this poem to the shape of what you are saying in it.

    I often wonder whether the moment of death is a moment of eternity... if that's what eternity is!

    | Posted on 2008-03-18 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      i suppose the one second would seem like an hour or more to someone who is contemplating suicide, putting the finger on the trigger pulling it back waiting for the click then the shot and in between all that flashbacks(maybe you should have added some) of different momments in life, happier or sad moments(?)i liked the line about the gun feeling twice as heavier as before, it,s a strong line,i think it allows the reader to get into the mind of this person of how he actually thought when picking up the gun. he could have picked the gun up then put it back down , not to sure if it is the right thing to do or not thought about it again, picked the gun back up noticing the change in weight with the desicion.all descibed in one line, thats really good.
    i enjoyed the poem it had an interestingtheme and a haunting touch to it.well done.
    thanks for sharing
    | Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by eyeless in gaza | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a strong style displayed here, and I think with a few tweaks, this will reverberate just as the echo of the gunshot in the room.

    The first snag I came across was in the first stanza:
    "Shots after shots"

    Are you talking about literal shots (as in, shots fired, officer down) or pictures? I wasn't sure. If it's pictures, I would say "moment upon moment" or go specific with "birthdays and beach days and lazy sundays" to convey that these are different moments having nothing to do with one another except that they are your moments and that they are coming one after the other. Sidenote: it's not a very popular practice, but I find that giving your readers specific details gives them more to anchor onto in your work and more places to sit and take in the scene you're sharing. Name a song you were thinking of, describe the exact shade of the blanket you sit on for picnics, etc. It all helps draw in the reader and connect with you and your words.

    And then in the third stanza you have:
    "Twice as heavier as before"

    It seems to be that the correct tense should be "heavy", but don't quote me on it. My mind just tripped over it and noticed that something about it is slightly off and it slowed my reading, drew me away from the piece.

    There is also this:
    "The weight it contains
    Upon people to cease
    Living"

    It's provocative and intriguing - I'm just not quite sure what conclusion I should draw from it. So maybe substituting out a few helping verbs here and there would make it clearer? What did you mean to say here?

    The last stanza is the most straightforward and encapsulating of the title and thesis of the piece, but by ending your piece with the word "pain" ... somehow it wasn't the ending I was hoping for. Maybe it's a function of my own personality? Or maybe it's a window to your personality? Either way, this is probably the longest comment I've written in ages, so congratulations and much thanks for giving me so much food for thought. :) Very interesting concept and reflection point. Thanks for sharing this.

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2008-03-08 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]


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