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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hello Againdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ayane
    ASL Info:    17/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    2.75 - 71/128/60
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Alone
    Total Views: 615
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 841



    Description:
       Haha, yeah I'm doing just fine
    I'll edit this later. For now, there's people to put on a show for...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHello Againdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hello again, remember me?
    Look in my eyes, what do you see?
    The blue swirls churn and give away
    To dark, black silver and dying gray
    I sit here, rocking everyday
    I stand to fall, I lean and sway
    But please don't worry, I'm doing fine
    Just for you, my eyes will shine
    I'm doing well, oh please don't fret
    Go on with life, just turn, forget
    My smile is real, I'll brighten the stars
    Oh dear, disregard the sight of my scars
    Things weren't so well, I now will admit
    Of course I'm fine, please don't have a fit!
    I'm glad you came to check on me
    So tell the others what you see

    I'm living well in public's eye
    They won't see it coming the day I die...




    Submitted on 2008-03-09 19:23:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was well written overall, though I usually have objection to the repetative use of the word I in poetry, it worked well in this instance. Your write had good flow, it read well, and really sucked me in. The only thing I would do is to maybe tweak the last line to:

    They won't see it coming, on the that day I die...

    Other than that, I must say this was an articulate, engrossing, and thoughtful read.
    | Posted on 2008-03-09 00:00:00 | by brokenmuse | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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