Description: I've edited this and kind of drafted it but haven't done a full draft.
I appreciate any comments and thanks for reading x
Ponderings Over a Glass, a Piano... -------------------------------------------
Title: Ponderings Over a Glass, a Piano and You
Your back had slipped from sight,
Out of view but not from mind,
Especially while your scent still lingered –
Unchanged and conjuring memories of before –
Around these halls where you never took a step
(and most likely never will).
It all contradicts what I stand for, you understand.
The past is the past and out of the hands of us few
Who will it away and regret the choices we make,
Then can’t wait for it to come round again.
You’d call it fate…
…but this time the piano begins to slide away
And you still aren’t back in frame.
So I sip my drink and enjoy the dying fall,
Wondering if you ever will
And whether that’s how things
Are ‘meant to be’…
I LOVE THIS! I like this a lot more than the other piece where I ripped you apart about the rhyming. See? You can do great without limiting your vocabularly to rhyming words. This piece has a much nicer rythm, it's more natural and it just flows well.
I know I told you to use your sense of smell in my other comment, I'm glad you used it here. There's definitely something about scents that can't be expressed in any other way, taste or touch or otherwise.
I like the theme of "what if" in this piece. The word choice is spot on, everything you wrote just tells me that a person who is supposed to be somewhere isn't there anymore. With words like "lingered" and "regret," I can't help but picture some ghostly character floating through the hallways (although he can't and never will.)
I noticed the "w" sound in the last piece with the "widows," and I'm seeing it in this piece as well. "Who will it away" and "Wondering if you ever will" just has a great balance with the soft sounds of the "w's." I don't know if you are doing it intentionally or not, but it's great. If this is coming naturally to you, you must have a great ear.
I'm also glad that you put in specifics. This piece could've been about anybody, but it becomes all of a sudden more personal when you mention the piano. I think in the next piece you can mention even more details that will make your piece about a specific character rather than about anybody. (Maybe ironically?) Most people will be able to relate to a piece better if the character is not vague. I know it might seem like the opposite, that people will relate better if the piece is really universal and open-ended, but usually these piece seem two-dimensional. It's the personal elements that really bring pieces like these to life.
Thank you for sharing this amazing piece with me, I love it absolutely, and it inspires me to write.
I like it. There is a healthy sense of longing that was enriched even more by an harrowed yet reserved voice. It possesses a good measure of balance.
But I think that I understand what Jaydee was saying. I also feel that it is a bit incomplete.
For me however, it's not the resolution that makes it so - it's the element of the piano. I felt that it came out of nowhere, like a suddenly element impaled through the concept to give it an edge and make sense of things. If you wish to remedy this, I think you can put elements of the piano or at least elements of music in the first stanza. That way, when you get to …but this time the piano begins to slide away it would feel like an awkward imagery that wasn't based on anything.
But this is just a suggestion. Whether you want to apply or not is totally up to you.
It's a rare boon tonight, so many wonderful pieces put out by talented authors. Many becoming favorites because they are fairly spilling over with so many thoughtful journeys I could take. This is one of them.
A weakness of mine is the study of relationships and the lessons, for good or ill, to be taken away from what others have learned to their regret, detriment, or salvation. What this says about you personally, I'm not sure, but what it says about they way your heart feeds is great indeed.
I'm glad you chose to talk of backs and not eyes or lips or other such overnoticed body parts. Because it's rare in real life that I'm ever tormented by shapes of eyes or lips, that once I'm familiar with, I can never mistake for another's. But a particular shade of hair, formation of shoulders sitting well on a distinctive back raises a hope and stops my breath a bit until the stranger turns and the object of my affection returns to the sun drenched dust of precious memories. The colors and the movement can belong to any body and that's what makes moving on so terrible and aching.
Your first stanza is heartbreaking and vulnerably true to my ears. There's frankly so much there I wish I'd written myself. Your second stanza doesn't end as strongly as the first but resonates nonetheless. One thing? I'd say "sight" rather than "view" in the second stanza, just because it's more poetic to my mind to try and not reuse words in the same piece without deliberate intent, as someone once long ago taught me and changed my take on the matter.
this is interesting.
it doesnt feel complete to me yet though. there needs to be a little more something in here so that there is a resolution perhaps...?
when i read it i think that the glass [that sounds a little empty by this stage of the night] is creating hallucinagenic qualities and the entity that this piece speaks of is someone who may or may not exist in "real life"
it could be someone from online/a far off state/land to whom the narrative voice is close to and longs to be physically close to and therefore places this person in their immediate surroundings somehow...? just a guess...
and yet it works completely that this is written of someone the narrative voice used to know... the past is the past and all the wishing in thw world not bring you back... all the waiting and wondering and thinking will not put you back behind that piano... will not create the magical music you used to...
meant to be...
it always seems like such a cop out to me...
oh its meant to be like this... im meant to be blue and longing for something/one i cannot have...
who says its meant to be like that??
i think this could be more but i do like what you have going on here.
the title is gorgeous...