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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Milesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 605
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 546



    Description:
       Just a lil blurb that found its way out after reading "Blocks" By Purplesun. A fantastic writer who has a habit of breaking my heart through her words.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMilesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was never you
    (oh I wish that weren't so)
    It was never you
    I went down fighting for


    Empty coffee cups
    span the miles between us
    and I've never heard your voice.
    (still dreaming?)


    Breathe in
    (Rains here once more)
    Eye's are falling
    (Change follows the wind)
    It was never you
    I went down fighting for
    (That can't change a hearts yearning)


    Still dreaming...





    Submitted on 2008-03-09 22:32:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      oh silly boy...you make me sigh at these words and they they are pulling on me...and its written perfectly in my opinion...and the comment you left on my write gave me the smile i needed for today ....thanx..luv silly girl
    | Posted on 2008-03-10 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's pretty sparse in the way of words here, but you've chosen wisely and I'm affected. As it happens, some things can't be said in their entirety with every word in every language at your disposal, and perhaps the underlying sentiments of your piece is just one of those things.

    While I feel the strength of this loses its grip on the reader as the piece goes on, you do a good job of bringing your audience back with:

    It was never you / I went down fighting for

    As a suggestion, I would keep the heart of the piece specifically personal (cups of coffee used for miles, a voice unheard but cherished) rather than going for abstract midway and including dreamy nature themed phrases in parentheses, particularly when you establish in the first stanza that the parenthetical statements are the deepest of feelings within. There's a chance I've missed your point, but as a firm believer that an artist's creation belongs to the audience's interpretations, I'll let that possibility go for now.

    You say a lot with less and you do it well. I just think you have more to offer your readers, the object of the piece and more importantly, yourself by saying everything you mean to say. You've come this far, admitted and displayed this much, what's a bit more?

    Thanks for sharing this. :)

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2008-03-10 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]


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