Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Milesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 626
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 546



    Description:
       Just a lil blurb that found its way out after reading "Blocks" By Purplesun. A fantastic writer who has a habit of breaking my heart through her words.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMilesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was never you
    (oh I wish that weren't so)
    It was never you
    I went down fighting for


    Empty coffee cups
    span the miles between us
    and I've never heard your voice.
    (still dreaming?)


    Breathe in
    (Rains here once more)
    Eye's are falling
    (Change follows the wind)
    It was never you
    I went down fighting for
    (That can't change a hearts yearning)


    Still dreaming...





    Submitted on 2008-03-09 22:32:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      oh silly boy...you make me sigh at these words and they they are pulling on me...and its written perfectly in my opinion...and the comment you left on my write gave me the smile i needed for today ....thanx..luv silly girl
    | Posted on 2008-03-10 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's pretty sparse in the way of words here, but you've chosen wisely and I'm affected. As it happens, some things can't be said in their entirety with every word in every language at your disposal, and perhaps the underlying sentiments of your piece is just one of those things.

    While I feel the strength of this loses its grip on the reader as the piece goes on, you do a good job of bringing your audience back with:

    It was never you / I went down fighting for

    As a suggestion, I would keep the heart of the piece specifically personal (cups of coffee used for miles, a voice unheard but cherished) rather than going for abstract midway and including dreamy nature themed phrases in parentheses, particularly when you establish in the first stanza that the parenthetical statements are the deepest of feelings within. There's a chance I've missed your point, but as a firm believer that an artist's creation belongs to the audience's interpretations, I'll let that possibility go for now.

    You say a lot with less and you do it well. I just think you have more to offer your readers, the object of the piece and more importantly, yourself by saying everything you mean to say. You've come this far, admitted and displayed this much, what's a bit more?

    Thanks for sharing this. :)

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2008-03-10 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    158781

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Linger written by saartha
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Bond written by saartha
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry