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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deliciousdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LucyDiamond
    ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
    Elite Ratio:    3.95 - 365/561/240
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 82
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 712



    Description:
       I am terrified of myself. I am very, very scared of me!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeliciousdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Delicious monstrosity
    will eat me alive tonight.
    (In goes my feet.)

    The gaping swallow
    is like the dawn, and the tonsils
    sway from side to side,
    ticking, tocking, and eavesdropping
    on my conscience.
    (In goes my legs.)

    I can’t believe I said I would,
    I can’t believe I said I wouldn’t.
    I am like the twilight I am like the cold
    steps with frost, kicking along
    the poisoned marigolds.
    (In goes me, up to my neck.)

    The teeth will set me free,
    the teeth will let me be.
    And I plunge into the night.
    (All I see is the blinking clock.)





    Submitted on 2008-03-10 01:36:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You know what this reminded me of? That song from middle-school about being eaten by a boa constrictor. You may be too young to have had that though, I don't know if it's still something that they do...

    I like this a lot, by the way! I'm just saying that's what it made me think of; just the slowly being eaten, running out of time. -Losing yourself completely. It's a triple-fold metaphor and it deserves a spot of my favorites list for sure!

    "The teeth will set me free, the teeth will let me be."

    Awesome line!

    -Ceyx
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your idea. The beginning is very well done. It gets things rolling right away. The ending is also nice and concise and it fits in very well.

    To me, though, it feels sort of wandering and disconnected. All the extra lines about dawn and twilight and marigolds seem random and out of place. Personally, I would have liked to hear more about the monster devouring you, and more about how you feel about being devoured.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2008-03-10 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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