A Love (Fuck Off) Story by Ceyx

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Submission Name: A Love (Fuck Off) Story dots

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Author:	Ceyx
Elite Ratio:	5.82 - 110/101/79
Words:	109

Class/Type:	Poetry/Childrens
Total Views:	104
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	788

Description:

A Love (Fuck Off) Story dots

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This is (not) a true story

There was a little (whore) girl
Who loved (fucked) a boy very much
She would (lie) talk (lie) to (lie) him every day
And (cheat) dream of (on) him every night
She (never) wanted to be with him for the rest of her life
So she always tried to show him how (little) much she cared
She made sure he was happy (miserable) all of the time
Until he just had to marry her (kill himself)

The (and he went to Hel and suffered forever) End

_______________________________________________________

Submitted on 2008-03-10 08:04:38 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  What's the difference between a children's book and real life? Although there are plenty of wondrous things to discover when you grow up, the shock of the atrocities in the world can be quite halting. This piece is halting. It takes that fairytale love story and creates a binary. There isn't just a small dissonance; this is love and hate.

"The fascination of the abomination..." I just couldn't help reading this with and without the interjections. Too sweet, and then macabre. It's chilling how the alteration of a few simple words can completly change the story. It's like the mutability of a relationship. Sometime something seems to perfect, but then it turns out to be terrible. We cling to the extremes. I know it's clichéd, but I think the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

Anyways, this piece is very witty, and the length supported the sardonic children's poetry them. The first and last lines gave me a lot to think about. The parenthesis in the first line, if it follows with the rest, makes a story untrue. So does that make the idyllic version true, or is it just another shot at it? It works both ways, depending on your reader. Personally, I like the derisive tone all the way through.

The last line actually made me chuckle, even though it is terribly sad. I just had this vision of a someone saying the parenthesis really quickly in between "the" and "end" in one breath. It's just like, boom, story's over. Sweet dreams....

Sorry, I tend to digress. I love anything that makes me think and that I can relate to my own life, or something similar I've read. This is a great piece. Props for being unique, and thanks for the read

:) tennisfuzz
| Posted on 2008-03-17 00:00:00 | by tennisfuzz | [ Reply to This ]
  I found this write most intriguing. I love how you made it so contradicting and making it stand out with the parenthesis. Like living a lie.

Good write.

~Steph.
| Posted on 2008-03-16 00:00:00 | by xXCptn_SephyXx | [ Reply to This ]
  This is (not) a true story

There was a little (whore) girl
Who loved ([censored]ed) a boy very much
She would (lie) talk (lie) to (lie) him every day
And [dream of (cheat on)] him every night
She (never) wanted to be with him for the rest of her life
So she always tried to show him how (little) much she cared
She made sure he was happy (miserable) all of the time
Until he just had to marry her (kill himself)

The (and he went to Hel and suffered forever) End

This is reminiscent of a leisurely swim in a vat of acid; brutally frank and virtually humorless. Structurally, there is very little wrong with this write, but I'm certain if the blunt pessimism of the message were softened slightly with some sardonic details, the hypocrisy of relationships/communication would slap the audience down more directly.

Just a thought, sir.
Bill

| Posted on 2008-03-15 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a contradicting poem. I would have commented on this yesterday, but I had to get off the computer. Overall, I think it was a pretty decent poem. There are some things that made me wonder if you really meant to put it there. The part in the parenthesis didn't seem to be in the right part sometimes.

Like

"And (cheat) dream of (on) him every night"

At first, the part in the parenthesis is in front of the word it is in place of ( cheat and dream) then it is behind the word it is in place of ( of and on). To make it go a little better, all the words should either be before or after.

Besides that, I think this was a good poem. Nice write.

~*~katara~*~

| Posted on 2008-03-11 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]

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