Description: came to me after reading mithrandir's poem miles
if i knew you'd say them -------------------------------------------
It was never me
You reached for
(did your heart stop listening )
My cup is still empty
I need to hear you say these words
( to what your dreams have left resting beneath your eyelids)
I’d walk the miles between us
If I knew you’d say them
Breathe in
Let the rain fall
(stop and hear your heart’s yearning )
Fight for me
And feel the wind against your face
(and believe that dreams can be more than something to lose once you’ve woken)
Wish I could be this kind of inspiration! Damn... Good job!
I think the parenthesis work in each stanza! There is plenty of context here- "I’d walk the miles between us" although, I DO think another 3 or 4 line stanza could be added somewhere in the middle to just give it a little extra *umphh!!!*
If you got REALLY pissed off and went back and put some vile and venom in this- I would love to re-read THAT submission... A dash or pain-pepper never hurt anyone.
Okay, so i'd like to let you know i noticed the poem within the poem in the parentheses, i like this effect, very creative. i've seen it before and it's always intrigued me. i should try it some time....i have, actually, i think, but didn't like the way it turned out.
Anyway, so yes, the parenths ARE necessary.
However, in the second stanza....the bit in the parenths doesnt really....FIT...it seems very out of place. i dont know if you could reword it to where it fits in both aspects of the poem but i definitely think you could =]
Also, in the first and third stanzas, you have a space between your last word and the closing parenth, and in the secind stanza you have a space between the opening parenth and your first word. it is somewhat distracting, like the spacing issue that Suzi called to attention..
I think the parenthesis are necessary in the first stanza, but the other ones are a smidge distracting. Also, you have two spaces between the first and second stanza and I wonder if that was a typo.
I really really enjoyed the last line. It's thought provoking the way the last line always should be. That's a line I think I'll remember long after I've forgotten the rest of the poem.
I will say though what I say to every almost great poem I encounter. You need some context. I would love to know why it was never you he reached for, (did you reach for him) etc.
Good write overall, though- I'm really just nitpicking...
Read Jeff's poem and took something totally different away from yours but that's the way of inspritation.
I liked the overall feel of this. It's more longing than bitter, but I think you could drop the parenthasis. If you use them more than once or twice they become a habit not a need for your writing. This is just a nitpic because there is not really much else that needs to be changed.
Submission Name: if i knew you'd say them
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