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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Epitaphdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: -YonY-
    Elite Ratio:    3.33 - 21/29/31
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 665



    Description:
       Editted using some of Joe's suggestions


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEpitaphdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mossy path
    Wind me towards
    Bind me forwards

    What is this place
    An eternity lies
    Within one lake
    One patch of grass

    Questions spiral away from me
    Into me, out of me
    The limits of my mind
    Set my path in stone
    Questions whip and graze

    I long for a place where I can trace the winds back to their maker
    Ride the sounds back to the center
    Of the center
    Of brightest truth

    Limits of my mind
    Set my name in stone
    Questions whip and graze
    Erode
    On my behalf
    The final trace
    Of my epitaph




    Submitted on 2008-03-11 17:08:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the tone of this. You do a good job giving this a mystical feel. Some structural changes I’m suggesting, feel free to use ‘em or lose ‘em. Your choice. Nice work.

    Mossy path
    Wind me towards
    Bind me forewards – WORD CONFUSION – ‘FOREWARD’ IS THE BEGINNING OF A BOOK. THINK YOU MEANT ‘FORWARD’ [WOULDN’T USE THE PLURAL BUT THAT’S YOUR CHOICE]

    What is this place
    An eternity lies
    Within one lake
    One patch of grass

    Questions spiral away from me
    Into me, out of me
    The limits of my mind
    Set my path in stone
    questions whip and graze – DELETE ‘THE’

    I long for a place where I can trace the winds back To their maker TOO LONG – THIS STICKS OUT A LIKE A SORE THUMB. BREAK THIS UP.
    NATURAL BREAKS WOULD BE
    I long for a place
    where I can trace
    winds back To their maker

    Ride sounds back to the center – DELETE 1ST ‘THE’
    Of the center
    Of brightest truth – DELETE ‘THE’

    limits of my mind – DELETE ‘THE’
    Set my name in stone
    Questions whip and graze
    Erode
    On my behalf
    The final trace
    Of my epitaph

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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