Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Before You End The Search (Revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 784
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 633



    Description:
       Not many changes but I think they're significant.

    Thanks for reading x


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBefore You End The Search (Revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    What you’re doing isn’t wrong,
    You just aren’t doing it right;
    Pretending to be stoic,
    While you pray that you will find
    The beat you lost before,
    That night, when the sky was grey
    And the darkness soft.

    And sometimes, when I watch
    As you look for satisfaction through their eyes,
    It is like watching the widowers
    As they search at the end of the glass.

    And when again they find nothing,
    They sink
    Back inside themselves
    And order up just one more drink,
    One more loss,
    Before the next one comes.




    Submitted on 2008-03-11 18:35:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think I like your work; this is the second time in as many days that I've just been sent on a journey reading a piece by you.

    Loss being so uncomfortably close to me right now, I get the sentiments, the gray area of right and wrong and how to deal with a brokenness within you. The first stanza is almost admonishing but never gets to the censure, just a quiet way of bringing to the other person's attention that something is amiss, which is just so intuitively genius and so ... "right". Especially in the context of your subject.

    The one (okay, two) nitpicky things I'll say? Perhaps it's habit or perhaps it's deliberate on your part, I can't quite say, but I don't think you need to capitalize every word at the beginning of a new line. Particularly because you have great punctuation throughout this. It's just one of those things that distracts me at the corner of my mind when I'm reading your stuff. The other is in this line:

    As they search at the end of the glass.

    Just pictorially speaking, it had me visualizing the wrong thing and it detracted from the flow you established. To put it cinematically, it's like having the camera on one of those long arm thingies and then for the scene to suddenly be using a camera on the shoulder of someone running as the characters move within the scene; jarring. It's clichéd, but bottom serves to help the reader "see" this part of the piece. It's an interesting picture though, a widower drinking. Usually when I think of widowers, it's someone grieving over hairs in a hairbrush that belonged to their loved one, last little things that still remain when they don't. But to change the whole image would wreck the ending so I vote for "bottom" versus "end". If I think of any better suggestions, I'll stop in again.

    Overall you create this quiet observation of what loss is and what it is to go through that lonely awfulness. Thanks for sharing. :)

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Very descriptive of loss suffered and love not found. I am `widower` for 20 years now and thankfully never ever reached any glass bottom or needed to do so. But there are the lonely one so you so vividly describe in your poem. I find it very sensitively put and your choice for words very aptly applied.
    I like it. Joachim.
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    158855

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Genesis written by saartha
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    ME written by jjd
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry