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    dots Submission Name: Before You End The Search (Revised)dots

    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 950
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 633

       Not many changes but I think they're significant.

    Thanks for reading x

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBefore You End The Search (Revised)dots

    What you’re doing isn’t wrong,
    You just aren’t doing it right;
    Pretending to be stoic,
    While you pray that you will find
    The beat you lost before,
    That night, when the sky was grey
    And the darkness soft.

    And sometimes, when I watch
    As you look for satisfaction through their eyes,
    It is like watching the widowers
    As they search at the end of the glass.

    And when again they find nothing,
    They sink
    Back inside themselves
    And order up just one more drink,
    One more loss,
    Before the next one comes.

    Submitted on 2008-03-11 18:35:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think I like your work; this is the second time in as many days that I've just been sent on a journey reading a piece by you.

    Loss being so uncomfortably close to me right now, I get the sentiments, the gray area of right and wrong and how to deal with a brokenness within you. The first stanza is almost admonishing but never gets to the censure, just a quiet way of bringing to the other person's attention that something is amiss, which is just so intuitively genius and so ... "right". Especially in the context of your subject.

    The one (okay, two) nitpicky things I'll say? Perhaps it's habit or perhaps it's deliberate on your part, I can't quite say, but I don't think you need to capitalize every word at the beginning of a new line. Particularly because you have great punctuation throughout this. It's just one of those things that distracts me at the corner of my mind when I'm reading your stuff. The other is in this line:

    As they search at the end of the glass.

    Just pictorially speaking, it had me visualizing the wrong thing and it detracted from the flow you established. To put it cinematically, it's like having the camera on one of those long arm thingies and then for the scene to suddenly be using a camera on the shoulder of someone running as the characters move within the scene; jarring. It's clichéd, but bottom serves to help the reader "see" this part of the piece. It's an interesting picture though, a widower drinking. Usually when I think of widowers, it's someone grieving over hairs in a hairbrush that belonged to their loved one, last little things that still remain when they don't. But to change the whole image would wreck the ending so I vote for "bottom" versus "end". If I think of any better suggestions, I'll stop in again.

    Overall you create this quiet observation of what loss is and what it is to go through that lonely awfulness. Thanks for sharing. :)

    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Very descriptive of loss suffered and love not found. I am `widower` for 20 years now and thankfully never ever reached any glass bottom or needed to do so. But there are the lonely one so you so vividly describe in your poem. I find it very sensitively put and your choice for words very aptly applied.
    I like it. Joachim.
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]

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