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    dots Submission Name: And So She Falls...dots

    Author: Syn
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 115/136/83
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Prose/Depressed
    Total Views: 702
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 598


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    dotsAnd So She Falls...dots

    interrupted perception-
    an innate blockage of thought
    numbness constrains the mind
    and sense of touch is obliterated
    why is this so disruptive?
    how can they not see?
    not the shallow one, no...
    not at all-
    inside, nothing stays whole
    and breaking the dream is the hardest part
    it doesn't stray
    it doesn't stray
    it only lingers until the pain is so quaking
    that the sixth sense lies dormant
    and i fall away from me......

    Submitted on 2008-03-12 03:58:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      OK, I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with Twilight527. I believe this was really well written, and I don't think you should change this at all.

    One, it isn't suppose to rhyme, it's free verse.

    Two, it doesn't seem messy at all. It is really organized and you have what you wanted to say in your poem.

    Three, I have no idea what "faught" is, but I think the three line is fine as it is.

    Four, wait, no, I do agree with Twilight527 on one thing, your word choice is outside the box, without the ordinary, the, he, she, was, etc., in every line (then again, I can't talk b/c I'm one of those people)

    Five, I don't think there is a problem with your grammer, if it was, I would have seen it, and I re-read it. I didn't see anything.

    Six, repeating "it doesn't stray" is good. You shouldn't take out the second "it doesn't stray", it fits.

    And seven, you really shouldn't "edit, edit, edit" it, I think it is fine as it is.

    And Twilight527, I'm not trying to be rude to you, this is just how I feel.

    And Syn, this was a wonderful poem and I don't think you need to change a word.

    | Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      To me, this rhyme scheme was completely off... Unless you were trying to be origional, in that case... We all have different writing styles. But I have to say, this seems messy, and I think you could do alot better. The insperation is there, but I see no full out come

    On the third line I would suggest
    The sense of touch if faught.

    And the rhyme scheeme could pick up from there.
    Aside from that, the word choice was quite elegant.. Though the grammar was a bit off.
    I do hope you don't take offense to my opinions, I'm just trying to help a potentially great writer.

    When I read it though, I felt like I could honestly relate, the similar emotions striking me through out my life, but somewhere in the 11-12 lines, I got lost. I didn't see how that related to any of the full sculpture. Again, keep trying, and add in a bit of color to it. IT seems, bleak... Put more of your personality, and more emotion to it. Then I gaurantee it will be amazing. Edit, edit, edit!!
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by Twilight527 | [ Reply to This ]

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