[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: And So She Falls...dots

    Author: Syn
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 115/136/83
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Prose/Depressed
    Total Views: 828
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 598


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnd So She Falls...dots

    interrupted perception-
    an innate blockage of thought
    numbness constrains the mind
    and sense of touch is obliterated
    why is this so disruptive?
    how can they not see?
    not the shallow one, no...
    not at all-
    inside, nothing stays whole
    and breaking the dream is the hardest part
    it doesn't stray
    it doesn't stray
    it only lingers until the pain is so quaking
    that the sixth sense lies dormant
    and i fall away from me......

    Submitted on 2008-03-12 03:58:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      OK, I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with Twilight527. I believe this was really well written, and I don't think you should change this at all.

    One, it isn't suppose to rhyme, it's free verse.

    Two, it doesn't seem messy at all. It is really organized and you have what you wanted to say in your poem.

    Three, I have no idea what "faught" is, but I think the three line is fine as it is.

    Four, wait, no, I do agree with Twilight527 on one thing, your word choice is outside the box, without the ordinary, the, he, she, was, etc., in every line (then again, I can't talk b/c I'm one of those people)

    Five, I don't think there is a problem with your grammer, if it was, I would have seen it, and I re-read it. I didn't see anything.

    Six, repeating "it doesn't stray" is good. You shouldn't take out the second "it doesn't stray", it fits.

    And seven, you really shouldn't "edit, edit, edit" it, I think it is fine as it is.

    And Twilight527, I'm not trying to be rude to you, this is just how I feel.

    And Syn, this was a wonderful poem and I don't think you need to change a word.

    | Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      To me, this rhyme scheme was completely off... Unless you were trying to be origional, in that case... We all have different writing styles. But I have to say, this seems messy, and I think you could do alot better. The insperation is there, but I see no full out come

    On the third line I would suggest
    The sense of touch if faught.

    And the rhyme scheeme could pick up from there.
    Aside from that, the word choice was quite elegant.. Though the grammar was a bit off.
    I do hope you don't take offense to my opinions, I'm just trying to help a potentially great writer.

    When I read it though, I felt like I could honestly relate, the similar emotions striking me through out my life, but somewhere in the 11-12 lines, I got lost. I didn't see how that related to any of the full sculpture. Again, keep trying, and add in a bit of color to it. IT seems, bleak... Put more of your personality, and more emotion to it. Then I gaurantee it will be amazing. Edit, edit, edit!!
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by Twilight527 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bond written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Wavelength written by saartha
    The Promise written by annie0888
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Giving written by jjd
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    This written by Chelebel
    untitled written by Chelebel
    To written by SavedDragon
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]