Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Worm's Tonguedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandolin
    ASL Info:    10/15/89
    Elite Ratio:    5.4 - 131/145/85
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 803
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 902



    Description:
       I play the devil's advocate.

    The noblest of actions will always be argued to be without purpose or point, but how gallant are those who resist the inner nature of weakness, who stand, despite all - the opinions of others or the weariness that cuts them to the bone.

    The bravest thing is to not give up in the face of any trial or enemy, which stands to reason - often wears your own.

    Lengthier comments appreciate, they give me a greater opportunity to learn and improve.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Worm's Tonguedots
    -------------------------------------------


    O, Conqueror, tread softly;
    your passion compromises the Sleeping.
    You disturb those who lay down and die;
    your life has no grace for these.
    O, Conqueror, do not patronize,
    your banner flies to never fall,
    above all who die that life you loath to live;
    your heart is one that stands to bleed.
    O, Conqueror, silence your awesome cry;
    hear! The Dead whisper to enslave;
    your feral rage they attempt to tame with a waltz;
    your soul to be entombed, your fire, bade rest.
    O, Conqueror, won't you sleep?
    Your invasion wakes those who slept;
    your fierce love and hate and imperfection
    wound those who saw the cost too great.
    O Conqueror, blunt your sword;
    you battle yourself too oft of late.
    Give in, give up, cool your rage;
    The perfect dead will have you, either way.




    Submitted on 2008-03-12 15:09:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I know that you requested long comments, and I promise one is going to follow this up, but I have enough time only for a brief one. First of all, I adored your poem, and I do NOT say that often. Truly, your structure was superb, your repitition, the way you approached your subject, your word choice, and the overall feeling that hit me when I read it was beautiful and terrifying and mournful, and... to be continued.

    I do have a couple of comments, not necessarily for improvement but for thought.

    | Posted on 2008-03-25 00:00:00 | by ARoomOfMyOwn | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! This is defiantly one for my favorite list.
    Let me start off with how I interpreted your poem. I read it as a voice of reason or honesty addressing a relentless personality that refused to accept any of his own weakness, including his mortality. The speaker seems to be trying to convince this ruthless person to surrender to their inevitable demise.
    I found your poem very powerful. I like your choice of having the narrator to go from practically ordering the Conqueror to “silence your awesome cry” in the middle of the poem to the cold reality of the last line. The last line especially, creates quite a lasting impression and encouraged me to think about how death is the finish line for everyone, no matter how formidable they are.
    It seems almost useless to mention, but the originality of your poem is amazing. I can’t recall ever reading anything quite like it. You have a really clear voice and your style seems like something familiar, yet still completely your own. It’s obvious that you put a lot of thought into your writing. The pattern of your words is fairly simple but the effect is perfect.
    I love your use of the idea of “sleep” and how you repeat this word not only in reference to literal sleep, but also the more permanent rest of death. Very effective and seems central to your poem although I’m not sure you intended it to be.
    The only line that confused me was: “above all who die that life you loath to live” The wording of this strikes me as odd. It seems like it would make more sense to read: above all who die IN that life you loath to live. However, I may be misinterpreting the meaning you meant to get across with that.
    Again, I’d like to stress how awesome I think your poem is. Great job.

    Also, I am currently trying to improve on my critiques, so a quick note back to me about whether or not you found this helpful would be greatly appreciated.

    +Veg
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by vegetable | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    158914

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Records I written by Raphael
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Cover written by saartha
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Carry written by saartha
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    The World written by jjd
    prison written by ShyOne
    Dream written by closetpoet
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Shi written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Love written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry