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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Worm's Tonguedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandolin
    ASL Info:    10/15/89
    Elite Ratio:    5.4 - 131/145/85
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 789
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 902



    Description:
       I play the devil's advocate.

    The noblest of actions will always be argued to be without purpose or point, but how gallant are those who resist the inner nature of weakness, who stand, despite all - the opinions of others or the weariness that cuts them to the bone.

    The bravest thing is to not give up in the face of any trial or enemy, which stands to reason - often wears your own.

    Lengthier comments appreciate, they give me a greater opportunity to learn and improve.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Worm's Tonguedots
    -------------------------------------------


    O, Conqueror, tread softly;
    your passion compromises the Sleeping.
    You disturb those who lay down and die;
    your life has no grace for these.
    O, Conqueror, do not patronize,
    your banner flies to never fall,
    above all who die that life you loath to live;
    your heart is one that stands to bleed.
    O, Conqueror, silence your awesome cry;
    hear! The Dead whisper to enslave;
    your feral rage they attempt to tame with a waltz;
    your soul to be entombed, your fire, bade rest.
    O, Conqueror, won't you sleep?
    Your invasion wakes those who slept;
    your fierce love and hate and imperfection
    wound those who saw the cost too great.
    O Conqueror, blunt your sword;
    you battle yourself too oft of late.
    Give in, give up, cool your rage;
    The perfect dead will have you, either way.




    Submitted on 2008-03-12 15:09:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I know that you requested long comments, and I promise one is going to follow this up, but I have enough time only for a brief one. First of all, I adored your poem, and I do NOT say that often. Truly, your structure was superb, your repitition, the way you approached your subject, your word choice, and the overall feeling that hit me when I read it was beautiful and terrifying and mournful, and... to be continued.

    I do have a couple of comments, not necessarily for improvement but for thought.

    | Posted on 2008-03-25 00:00:00 | by ARoomOfMyOwn | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! This is defiantly one for my favorite list.
    Let me start off with how I interpreted your poem. I read it as a voice of reason or honesty addressing a relentless personality that refused to accept any of his own weakness, including his mortality. The speaker seems to be trying to convince this ruthless person to surrender to their inevitable demise.
    I found your poem very powerful. I like your choice of having the narrator to go from practically ordering the Conqueror to “silence your awesome cry” in the middle of the poem to the cold reality of the last line. The last line especially, creates quite a lasting impression and encouraged me to think about how death is the finish line for everyone, no matter how formidable they are.
    It seems almost useless to mention, but the originality of your poem is amazing. I can’t recall ever reading anything quite like it. You have a really clear voice and your style seems like something familiar, yet still completely your own. It’s obvious that you put a lot of thought into your writing. The pattern of your words is fairly simple but the effect is perfect.
    I love your use of the idea of “sleep” and how you repeat this word not only in reference to literal sleep, but also the more permanent rest of death. Very effective and seems central to your poem although I’m not sure you intended it to be.
    The only line that confused me was: “above all who die that life you loath to live” The wording of this strikes me as odd. It seems like it would make more sense to read: above all who die IN that life you loath to live. However, I may be misinterpreting the meaning you meant to get across with that.
    Again, I’d like to stress how awesome I think your poem is. Great job.

    Also, I am currently trying to improve on my critiques, so a quick note back to me about whether or not you found this helpful would be greatly appreciated.

    +Veg
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by vegetable | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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