I hate the awkward moments like this. I like how you mentioned the part about the eyes. When there are no words left for lips to say, the eyes will tell all.
A different, though still quite poignant and quite painful take on a love "gone south" that is beyond recall--doomed... most well and most ably done .... bravo... bravo... bravo... michael
First off- can I just say; I HATE S.O.B.... Hahaha, I find her pretentious... Sorry, but it's true. I thought so four years ago and I still think so today...
"Because the moment wasn’t spelled correctly..." I LOVE that line... Even though I respect a submission more if it's all spelled correctly. I understand what you're saying...
I can't spell worth $hit! But it takes a total of 6 seconds to run your post through a spell-checker- you know? But then, you are self-admittedly lazy as all get out... Hahaha!
You can always trace it back to that ONE moment... And then you rethink and over-analyze... It's not worth the pain- and you can NEVER go back, but still, write on!!!
I agree with blueorchids' correction of "For way (too) long" but I think you should leave "Can take the color of this floor" as it stands, or expand upon the idea ever so slightly. The way I read it was that the eyes were fixed on the tiles, the floor, for so long, that the downcast eyes themselves took on that desolate color. That image/metaphor fits perfectly with the theme, so if the line "Can take the color of this floor" is causing confusion between can/can't, then I suggest rewording it so that the image I just talked about isn't lost.
And in the last stanza, one more typo: there should be an apostrophe in "it's."
I like the relationship of the title and the poem. I really do think the eyes-changing-color bit should be enhanced in a way that your readers' minds can click without wondering if you meant "Can take..." or "Can't take..."
And i -get- this poem. it feels just like what i was doing with my ex--holding on to the good moments, which, as time went on, became fewer and far between.
I don't like to give comments where everything is praise and such, but i love this (aside from the typo(s) which blue has already pointed out).
in my old age, i've seen the light of punctuation (more often than naught unwelcome in freestyle expression, particularly poetry) being, on occasion, a necessary evil. you might immediately refer back to my own work and cry, "aha! hypocrite!" but look around a bit more and even i have grudgingly thrown in a period or a comma or three here and there, where i felt (or where i was told in no uncertain terms) it helped rather than hampered the piece. without punctuation here, you still have a strong piece that says so much and shows even more in three dimensions. i just feel if i knew where you were pausing, where you were taking in a deep shaky breath, maybe rushing the words out and where your voice went quiet with some indescribable emotion that hasn't acquired a meaning in the languages we know ... i feel this would cut and wound me deeper, and then heal me with sympathy hugs and a reservoir of shared throat-clogging agony.
you can't tell, but i'm utterly jealous that you wrote some of these amazing lines and i didn't. how i'd love to take a dip in the pool where you found these floating on the surface of the water, or perhaps had to dive deep down to take back to solid ground. "I'm smiling backwards / Because the moment / Wasn't spelled correctly" - tremendous. "Can't you stare at me a little longer / My eyes / Can't take the color of this floor" - perfection.
it has just come to my attention you've a few typos here and there:
"Can('t) take the color of this floor"
"For way to(o) long"
minor details.
ultimately i love this and the small patch of life it exists on. so a favorite. thanks for sharing. :)
Submission Name: Tiles
