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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tilesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: purplesun24
    Elite Ratio:    4.41 - 1139/1171/167
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 718



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTilesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Please dont
    Turn off the lights
    Im smiling backwards
    Because the moment
    Wasnt spelled correctly

    When wed spoken
    I thought you understood
    But
    Your heart never did forgive easily

    Weve made our mistakes
    And eventually
    We will all break even on hurting one another

    Cant you stare at me a little longer
    My eyes
    Can take the color of this floor

    And I keep counting
    But everything goes back
    To that one moment

    And its not enough to save us
    Weve held on without reason
    For way to long
    Unable to
    Go back to where we started




    Submitted on 2008-03-12 19:27:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I hate the awkward moments like this. I like how you mentioned the part about the eyes. When there are no words left for lips to say, the eyes will tell all.

    I hate that.

    Good poem though. :)
    | Posted on 2008-03-24 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
      A different, though still quite poignant and quite painful take on a love "gone south" that is beyond recall--doomed... most well and most ably done .... bravo... bravo... bravo... michael
    | Posted on 2008-03-19 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      First off- can I just say; I HATE S.O.B.... Hahaha, I find her pretentious... Sorry, but it's true. I thought so four years ago and I still think so today...

    "Because the moment wasnt spelled correctly..." I LOVE that line... Even though I respect a submission more if it's all spelled correctly. I understand what you're saying...
    I can't spell worth $hit! But it takes a total of 6 seconds to run your post through a spell-checker- you know? But then, you are self-admittedly lazy as all get out... Hahaha!

    You can always trace it back to that ONE moment... And then you rethink and over-analyze... It's not worth the pain- and you can NEVER go back, but still, write on!!!

    | Posted on 2008-03-14 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]
      -oh, and the title is catchy =]

    +Moz+
    | Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      "I'm smiling backwards"

    ....

    i absolutely love that.


    And i -get- this poem. it feels just like what i was doing with my ex--holding on to the good moments, which, as time went on, became fewer and far between.


    I don't like to give comments where everything is praise and such, but i love this (aside from the typo(s) which blue has already pointed out).



    Very very nice.

    Kudos!



    +Moz+
    | Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      in my old age, i've seen the light of punctuation (more often than naught unwelcome in freestyle expression, particularly poetry) being, on occasion, a necessary evil. you might immediately refer back to my own work and cry, "aha! hypocrite!" but look around a bit more and even i have grudgingly thrown in a period or a comma or three here and there, where i felt (or where i was told in no uncertain terms) it helped rather than hampered the piece. without punctuation here, you still have a strong piece that says so much and shows even more in three dimensions. i just feel if i knew where you were pausing, where you were taking in a deep shaky breath, maybe rushing the words out and where your voice went quiet with some indescribable emotion that hasn't acquired a meaning in the languages we know ... i feel this would cut and wound me deeper, and then heal me with sympathy hugs and a reservoir of shared throat-clogging agony.

    you can't tell, but i'm utterly jealous that you wrote some of these amazing lines and i didn't. how i'd love to take a dip in the pool where you found these floating on the surface of the water, or perhaps had to dive deep down to take back to solid ground. "I'm smiling backwards / Because the moment / Wasn't spelled correctly" - tremendous. "Can't you stare at me a little longer / My eyes / Can't take the color of this floor" - perfection.

    it has just come to my attention you've a few typos here and there:

    "Can('t) take the color of this floor"
    "For way to(o) long"

    minor details.

    ultimately i love this and the small patch of life it exists on. so a favorite. thanks for sharing. :)

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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