Masks by Twilight527

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Submission Name: Masks dots

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Author:	Twilight527
ASL Info:	15/f/USA
Elite Ratio:	4.38 - 5/7/10
Words:	71

Class/Type:	Poetry/Mirror or Mask
Total Views:	74
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	479

Description:

Masks

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Masks that hide the perfect face
porcilien beauty, flawless grace.
Eyes spark violence into space
Lips could kill, smooth as lace.

Mimeing mouthing
sounds stay silent
Fires iced over,
hells so violent.

Remove the masked
Stop the charade
Life still pains her
A morbid parade

Eye makeup runs
lips flushed red
no need to worry
he life, is dead.

Submitted on 2008-03-12 19:41:10 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  one reason people make such a fuss about spelling errors, (and this is for all of you) is because everyone should take pride in their work and responsibility enough to run it through a spellchecker. to fail to do so just says that you don't want to be taken seriously.

another reason is that how, praytell, are you supposed to review a poem that has so many glaring errors and grammatical inconsistencies that you can't look past them enough to read the content?

it's like going on a date with a reaaaaaaally nice guy with an awesome personality, but he has really bad breath. hard as you might try, you can't get past this fact. and yes, i just compared spelling errors to bad breath. read it again, it makes sense. :)

i just felt the need to explain why spelling is important since everyone seems to think it's an afterthought...
~Syn
| Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ]
  The first thing that jumped out at me was the rythem that this piece had. The entire thing flowed well, except when getting caught up in a few minor spelling errors. I will say one thing about the rhyming structure of the piece. When you first start out you have a completley different structure. I would look into that and see if you can rework the piece so it fits one scheme. One problem with rhymes is trying to force the issue, just so it will rhyme. You did a good job of not doing that, but you had to change the scheme in order to achieve that. Keep working on it and I check out the next draft to let you know what I think.
| Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by Lostlover | [ Reply to This ]
  i have to agree with syn here....there are some useful lines in here then there are some lines i'm just not sure about...they just dont make sense to me....spelling errors....thats no biggie these can easily be fixed...why must people make such big deals about this....lol...they our suppossed to be reading the poems and reviewing the content...not giving you a complete grammer lesson....nicely point them out then move to what important...anyways....the first stanza...i like makes sense.except the line about space...it doesn't really make sense to me.....the second stanza...i'm not excactly sure what your trying to express...and agian the third stanza...makes perfect sense....but then we get to the fourth stanza..the last line seems incomplete...i think just a few changes and this write would be nice...but the parts that make no sense really take away from what you are trying to express here....purps
| Posted on 2008-03-13 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  i don't even know where to start.
you have some good phrases in this, but it's littered with spelling errors and a few lines don't make any sense whatsoever.
you've got 'porcilien' should be 'porcelain'
'Lips could kill, smooth as lace'... i get what you're saying, but in trying to make it flow, you're missing some key words to get your point across, and i'm not sure if there's much of one, at that.

'mimeing' should be 'miming'
'Remove the masked'? that line doesn't make sense.
perhaps you meant 'masks' or 'mask'.

that whole second stanza contains words that, while the rhythm of it is fine, the words themselves trip over each other, making it very difficult to read either aloud or in your head.

the last line does not make any sense, either.
'he life, is dead'? if it was supposed to be 'her life', then you don't need the comma.

it could use some serious work. you have the right idea, though- your rhymes are perfect and not so hum-drum as i have seen from your age group, you kept the rhythm well, you just have to work on running all of your poetry through an online spellchecker, and figuring out what words go well with other words. good luck.
~Syn

| Posted on 2008-03-12 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ]

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