What belonged to you because of me. by Ceyx

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Submission Name: What belonged to you because of me. dots

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Author:	Ceyx
Elite Ratio:	5.69 - 111/107/81
Words:	218

Class/Type:	Poetry/I hate you
Total Views:	1116
Average Vote:	2.5000
Bytes:	1996

Description:

What belonged to you because of me. dots

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You fucking see this?
Right here in my hand-
I took this from you.
Do you miss it?
            -Want it back?
I won't protect it.
I didn't even wash my hands first.
Is this worth much to you?
I mean, really?
Because, to be honest, I'm not so impressed.
Was this for me?
            -Because of me?
In spite of me, inspired by me?
I think it's sick and cancerous...
I think it's self-defeating.
Is it fragile?
      -Or just sensitive?
I'm just asking; how easy is it to break?
Because I certainly don't want to keep it.
And no, you can't have it back.
It never really belonged to you, did it?
I can't throw it out though.
You'll just rummage through the filth for it, won't you?
-No fucking self-respect...
It has the weight of nothing!
It has the scent of desperation.
This, right here, -it makes me gag.
DO YOU SEE THIS???
-I took this from you!
I had to because you never gave.
And even though it makes me physically ill-
I have no choice but to devour it.
And let it rot me from within...

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Submitted on 2008-03-13 19:53:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  like sex gone wrong. like crystal stained. it made my skin crawl
| Posted on 2008-08-25 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]
  You know. I tend to agree with the first comment. It does remind me of a habit of some sorts. Your choice of words is amazingly powerful:

"You'll just rummage through the filth for it, won't you?
-No [censored] self-respect..."

Reminds me of someone I once knew who is and continues to be an alcoholic.

I commend you for this write--good job! I think I shall favor this one. ;]

~Steph.
| Posted on 2008-03-16 00:00:00 | by xXCptn_SephyXx | [ Reply to This ]
  I won't lie, the only reason I am here on your page is because I've seen you on two of my friend's pages, defending yourself quite proudly. So yes, I'm here to see what you're all about. I can understand why you'd be up in people's face after reading the piece - it's actually the second one I read, but they both have he same print. That finger print, you know? Digitals that only belong to you. Uniqueness has its own bearings, but it is an unfortunate gamble. Contemporary masses do tend to shun those few among them capable of arising to the challenge and inspiring enough to be a new. Though, this dialectic recycling of time is sad. The current is just a massive echo of the last hero, waiting to be outspoken by a newer, younger more handsome one - so to speak. The hero himself believes greatness is in his fingers for a purpose, a vision he saw early own, one that he fails to let go of. That is his greatness, that he is blind to his own power, thinking those around him are the creatures when he himself is one of them. Sadly, he just doesn't see it. To some extent, it is his fight to be what they are not that broadens his greatness, making him quite the auspicious candidate. However, in the long run he is meaningless; there will be another, and another. He is just a step, the first, to a three-step cycle. What I personally find beautiful in this cycle, is when the contemporary has enough wit to acknowledge that his time is done, or soon to be. It is then that true greatness is accomplished, because the contemporary's unique bridges to the younger, soon to be. It inaugurates in him mistakes, and their corrections, permeating the cycle. This is evolution; when the three-step regurgitation itself takes a step up towards its own greatness.

You're most likely wondering why the hell I'm even talking, and what this has to do with your piece. I guess you could surmise it has nothing to do with it. But this is what I understand you piece to be. The younger aspiring towards his own unique in the experienced one's face, bashing him. It is his right, the natural order of things. I especially enjoy the bit about rotting his insides towards the end, because this is truth. A hero in defined as one who surpasses himself for some kind of a greater thing, who might in the process sacrifice things he holds dear. Only, these sacrifices of happiness or precious things is nothing in compare to what he must become. His soul loses touch with his mind, because he becomes a machine of his cause. He becomes his idea. He is at the top of the pyramid he has made to carry the world, and though he leads it, the world controls him, and in his becoming of an idea, he is destroyed. The world has no room for the middle man - no, that's just too damn costly, ain't it? Too damn fair.

Though, I assume my perusal was much too oriented, and that this is just a trivial feeling you are sharing. But that isn't important is it? Your pride claims greatness, not truth.

A few things I would've changed about this piece. None of them are major, because I myself am out of place - to say, you are out of my league. Verse ten, after honest, deserves a line break. I also think you should tabulate the two last lines beginning with hyphens, to avoid disconformity - or to seek beauty in orthodoxy. But, you could not just to be in our faces. I also think that the line you have in bold characters shouldn't be bold, besides maybe the see. You can keep it all capitalized, it's just because the way I read it, I put more emphasis on that word, pausing slightly after it. You can also cut the extra two question marks. They don't serve much purpose. I also find self-defeating to be a bit out of place for some reason. The first time I read it, I actually anticipated self-defecating - when I realized that wasn't what you wrote, I was a little disappointed. I also think the minimalism of "you never gave" gives away too much information. To say, it ruins the great myriad of possible interpretations for this piece. Though, I guess that's up to you. Generalness or personal solace.

Otherwise, this was an almost cathartic read, which is really rare. I liked it.
| Posted on 2008-03-16 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
  This is spikey and powerful. It's definitely not the same old same 'I hate you' poem. It's wicked.
I like that you don't tell us what you're holding. I'm assuming a heart, or someone's love...? Or an addiction. It's very passionate and painful.

I didn't even wash my hands first.

This line is so... childish (to be honest haha). I love it. When you get angry, you get irrational, and you're sent back to a child's mind set, a lot of times. Sort of, "You hate me? Yeah, well... well.. You smell." And the person on the recieving end is sometimes just as insulted as you intend for it to be. Especially if you're talking about an addict. They definitely aren't known for their logic when withdrawling...
For this, I think that line is one of the best. It's not the sort of thing that's used often. And the italics make me think you're whispering, spitting this at me with disgust on your lips. Taunting. Torturing, maybe.

The form works really well here. The italics throughout. And the repetition moving towards the bolded line. Nice.

... I don't really like the title, though. I think it tells too much. But that's just me.
Rachel
| Posted on 2008-03-14 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]
  Well damn. It sounds like you are talking about a loved ones smoking habit. at least this is the imagery that I have. I think that the piece is very forceful, and aggressive without being too abrasive. Pretty cool.
| Posted on 2008-03-14 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.