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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Enchanteddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Stygian
    ASL Info:    16/F/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4 - 61/75/37
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 67
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1050



    Description:
       This is pretty rough and has been submitted to go through all necessary parts of criticism. Not much editing was initially put into this because I was merely trying to get down a concept. Particular critiques I am looking for regard flow, imagery, and how I can clean up this rough piece of work.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnchanteddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I pushed aside the hanging ivy
    and stepped into a world of wonder
    where fireflies dwelled under the moon
    and the flora fell soft to shadows
    “Fear not,” said firefly,
    “For beauty never sleeps.”
    He rest upon silken petals--
    a throne of luminescence,
    gold with drops of light.
    I drew close, closer,
    his kin took cover, too;
    flower beds shroud in night
    and like magic; sweet, sweet magic,
    the whole garden came to life.
    “But how,” I asked them,
    “How can this be?
    The flowers lie asleep,
    but your tails, they make them glow.
    The sun has gone to rest,
    and all enchantments
    need be seen, lie here.”
    The firefly just gazed and laughed,
    and raised one leg to share.
    “Enchantments like this
    are all around us,
    it's all just where and when.”
    And so I left and bid them farewell,
    through the same hanging ivy,
    once again to be greeted
    by solitary night.




    Submitted on 2008-03-15 08:13:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this, and I honestly don't think it needs a while lot of revision. I love how whimsical and free-flowing it is with the talking fireflies and whatnot.

    I do think that you should just do away with the parts that rhyme. It's distracting, because some parts of this write definitely rhyme, and some don't. If it were divided into stanzas I wouldn't mind it, but with it being one solid write the inconsistency feels weird.

    Otherwise I liked this.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2008-03-25 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]



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