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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Human lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 64/90/75
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 682
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 706



    Description:
       i got the idea from a painting i was thinking of doing where there is a fuzzy out of focus face laying on it's side and hand in full focus out in front of it holding two eye balls ripped from the sockets and there is tears and blooding streaming from the hands and it's making a river off to the bottom left


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    dotsHuman lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I hold you in my hands,
    Bleeding...
    Nonetheless.

    You stare beyong the picture-
    You bore right into:
    The chest.

    The blades cut through,
    Your river...
    Of lonely,
    Bleeding tears.

    Your crystal shards of amber,
    Stitched in:
    Forgotten fears...

    We are one,
    By only strings.

    Created:
    Flesh and blood.

    I hold you in my hands,
    Carrying out-
    The human love.

    There are those of whom you cry on...
    With others you will bleed...

    I hold you cradled,
    In my hand,
    To help you see the stream.




    Submitted on 2008-03-17 00:58:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is probably the most direct and insightful post you've left on this site. I would suggest you strive for this sort of simple directness an economy of words in everything you wirite (and even writes you've already posted here that might benefit from some form of revision). My only nit might involve the overuse/misuse of punctuation throughout. Other than that, this seems to say exactly what you intended.

    Bill
    | Posted on 2009-08-26 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I would love to see that painting.

    Anyway, this piece is has got quite a footing. It's emotional in all the right places, stern whenever it needed to be and the concept, while self-supporting, is pretty good.

    It goes in a lot of directions for me. To me, it has that tint of the light-bearer syndrome that most writers have where we guide the eyes to see, different parts of the truth. I also see that woman behind the man scenario... you know, the whole rule the world and I'll rule you kind of thing. It also has that motherly gesture of nourishing and educating someone of his gifts and the consequences of his actions.

    And while all those things are beyond what you really want to say, I am quite thankful for this piece simply because it is beautiful.

    But I hope you don't mind. I would just like to give a few suggestions. You're welcome to do as you please with them. I'll just lay it out here.

    I think that your piece would be better if you were to use punctuation marks. Don't worry, I'm not suggesting those for the sake of formalizing it. It's just that, the lack of those necessary marks tend to make the piece a little confusing in some parts.

    Example:

    we are one
    by only strings
    created
    flesh and blood

    To me, this could either go...

    we are one
    by only strings.
    created
    flesh and blood

    ...which most likely means as it is. There is a touch which says that maybe or not these strings are innate.

    or it could go...

    we are one
    by only strings
    created.
    flesh and blood

    ...which specifies that the strings do have a source that was important enough to be hinted upon.

    Do I sound silly right now? Sorry.

    But anyway, like I said. I think that this is a good one and my suggestions are simply there at your disposal only if you wish to get your hands on them.

    Like I said... beautiful piece.
    | Posted on 2008-03-17 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]


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