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    dots Submission Name: There are tears hiding in your confident voice.dots

    Author: freshcookies
    Elite Ratio:    4.15 - 63/77/45
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 725
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 871

       This is something I'm writing both for school and because I'm strangely and inexplicably distressed about a guy I work with who just had his heart cruelly broken. I can't get him off my mind and wanting so badly to make him not hurt is driving me crazy.
    Anyway...definately work like some help with it, cuz I don't feel that it's done, but my workshop group in class is not helpful.
    Just your first impressions and overall thoughts would be nice, too. (aka, can you tell what it's about without the description?)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThere are tears hiding in your confident voice.dots

    There are tears hiding in your confident voice.
    They peek out through the vowels and darken the depths of your eyes.
    The jagged edges of her name on your lips draw across my heart
    Tearing peepholes to an wealth of pressurized affection

    Now your tears have sprung up in my clumsy words.
    They gallivant in my concern, then drop from my whispers
    And sting the scrapes on my heart, which grow longer with your wounded sighs,
    And threaten to split wide at the mention of your pain.

    You’re held together by a fragment of hope,
    Ripped, stretched, and tied precariously around your chest.
    I wish to offer myself as a bandage to wrap yourself in,
    But my touch can only soothe you for a moment.

    I watch helplessly as bitter air tears viciously at your open wounds.

    Submitted on 2008-03-18 21:10:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      It's a very well-written piece, for sure... I can try to help some by throwing a few suggestions your way: In the 2nd line- I'd remove the word 'out' to help with the flow. And in the 3rd line- maybe drag in place of 'draw'... I don't know...
    Not really much to say because it's a solid piece! And yes, I could more then get what it was about without the description...
    "They gallivant in my concern, then drop from my whispers" ---I really like that line!
    Five point rating, for sure!
    And upon reading it a third time- I'd say I really have no choice but to favorite it...
    | Posted on 2008-03-25 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting. At the moment I'm just gonna give you one little suggestion, I'll post a better critique when I have more time k?

    I watch helplessly as bitter air tears viciously at your open wounds.

    It might do well to say something about how this air once gave him life, but now is only harmful. Just a suggestion. I'll be back for a better critique! Peace and inspiration!

    | Posted on 2008-03-19 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]

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