Cabana Boy: Let me see your membership card and I'll let you through!
Guybrush Threepwood: You don't need to see my identification.
Cabana Boy: I don't need to see your identification.
Guybrush Threepwood: I'm not the pirate you're looking for.
Cabana Boy: You're not the pirate I'm looking for.
Guybrush Threepwood: I can go about my business.
Cabana Boy: You can go about your business.
Guybrush Threepwood: Move along.
Cabana Boy: Move along, move along... hey! Your mind tricks won't work on me, boy!
Guybrush Threepwood: [singing] Oh... there's... a... monkey in my pocket / And he's stealing all my change / His stare is blank and glassy / I suspect that he's deranged!
Guybrush Threepwood: "Ask me about Grim Fandango." I don't want people asking me about Grim Fandango.
[Looking through a keyhole]
Guybrush Threepwood: I see a diorama of the children of the world living in peace and freedom. No, wait. It can't be that. It's just too dark to make out what's in there.
Guybrush Threepwood: Do you expect me to talk?
King Andre: No, Mr. Threepwood. I expect you to buy!
Guybrush Threepwood: What's your name?
Slappy Cromwell: Cromwell, Slappy Cromwell. It's not my real name actually. My agent told me my given name just didn't have star quality.
Guybrush Threepwood: What was your given name?
Slappy Cromwell: Rex Fortune, Adventure Seeker.
Edward Van Helgen: What! You shot my banjo!
Guybrush Threepwood: You can't be sure of that. That shot may have come from the grassy knoll.
Elaine Marley: You know... I don't think my father would approve of me dating the undead, and you're probably too nice a zombie-pirate for me anyway. Let's just be friends instead.
Elaine Marley: Let's face it, LeChuck. You are an evil, foul-smelling, vile, codependent villain and that's just not what I'm looking for in a romantic relationship right now.
LeChuck: Darn yer riddles, ya saucy female! What d'ya mean?
Mr. Fossey: Aye aye, Captain. Fresh bananas for the whole crew!
Murray: I am Murray, the invincible demonic skull!
Lemonhead: Shut up, or I'll eat you.
Guybrush Threepwood: Do you know anything about lifting curses?
Murray: Oh, right. I know a lot about lifting curses. That's why I'm a disembodied talking skull sitting on top of a spike in the middle of a swamp.
Guybrush Threepwood: You seem bitter.
Murray: I'm sorry. It's been a rough day.
Guybrush Threepwood: Ha-ha! Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!
Haggis McMutton: Me given name is 'Heart-Liver-And-Kidneys-Boiled-In-The-Stomach-Of-The-Animal McMutton.'
Guybrush Threepwood: Oh, so your parents were expecting a girl, then.
Haggis McMutton: Aye.
Lemonhead: You fool! You gave cheese to a lactose intolerant volcano god!
Guybrush Threepwood: How'd you break into the hairstyling industry?
Cutthroat Bill: I saw an ad to join a barbershop quartet. Got a problem with that?
Guybrush Threepwood: No! That must be very rewarding work.
Cutthroat Bill: What's that supposed to mean?
Guybrush Threepwood: Mean? Just that... you know, cutting hair, and, err, singing must be just... a lot of fun.
Cutthroat Bill: It's like a party every day. Some days I just don't know how to contain my joy. I get giddy, and the laughter bubbles out of me like a sparkling fountain of mirth and gaiety.
Guybrush Threepwood: Okay, new topic...
Voodoo Lady: I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.
Guybrush Threepwood: You're a fashion consultant?
Voodoo Lady: Well... yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I am a Voodoo Priestess.
Guybrush Threepwood: Neat.
Voodoo Lady: You're an "autumn," by the way.
LeChuck: [as the LeChuck toy doll] Arrr! Math be hard! Let's go shopping!
Mort: [having just shut Guybrush in a crypt] Rest in peace, and all that.
Guybrush Threepwood: You can count on me, Wally. Just as soon as I defeat LeChuck, rescue Elaine, set all the monkeys free, and ride the Madly Rotating Buccaneer, I'll come back to release you.
Guybrush Threepwood: The Diamond belongs in a museum!
King Andre: So do post-impressionist paintings, Mr Threepwood. So do post-impressionist paintings.
Guybrush Threepwood: What the heck is that supposed to mean?
King Andre: Some day you will understand.
LeChuck: Burn down every island in the Caribbean if you have to, but bring me my bride!... and more slaw! Curse the villains, they never give you enough slaw with these value meals.
Murray: Something tells me you're not taking me very seriously.
Guybrush Threepwood: No, no I am.
Murray: Then let me hear you scream in terror.
Guybrush Threepwood: I'm too scared to say anything.
Murray: Ha ha!
Guybrush Threepwood: [after you try and combine the nail with the magnet] Neat, a magnetic nail, completely worthless, but neat.
Guybrush Threepwood: [looking up at Skull Island's "Skull"] I still say it looks like a duck.
Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to use slippery hand lotion other than for the correct purpose] I don't wanna lubricate that!
Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to pick up the Donkey head mask in the theatre] I don't wanna look like a jackass.
[turns to look at camera]
Guybrush Threepwood: Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. So knock it off.
Guybrush Threepwood: [when you try to pick up one of the skeletons in the coffins]
Guybrush Threepwood: I don't need a rotting corpse!
when you choose the anchor]
Murray: How could you choose that anchor over me? Me? Your best friend?
Guybrush Threepwood: [reading nametag] Madame Excama.
Madame Xima: Xima! Madame Xima!
Guybrush Threepwood: So, how do I get out of here?
Minnie Stromie Goodsoup the Ghost Bride: You can't! Neither of us can! I can't leave because I am doomed to stay until I find someone to marry and you can't leave because the door's locked!
Guybrush Threepwood: I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
Guybrush Threepwood: No. Not really. I lied.
Wally: Oh. Well, in that case, I don't want one!
Guybrush Threepwood: Sorry we couldn't make a deal.
Guybrush Threepwood: Well, I'm pretty tough myself!
Wally: You? Don't make me laugh! You couldn't grow a decent beard!
Guybrush Threepwood: Hey! How did you know about my attempted beard?
Wally: Uh... pirate's intuition.
Guybrush Threepwood: [after challenging Edward to a duel] I choose the banjo!
Edward Van Helgen: I accept.
Guybrush Threepwood: ...You do?
Guybrush Threepwood: Is the lemonade good?
Kenny Falmouth: Oh gosh, yes! It's a very healthful drink! Even better for you than placing leeches on your tongue.
Guybrush Threepwood: Wow! What's the lemonade good for?
Kenny Falmouth: It's a dandy tonic for scurvy. It'll cure all your symptoms, including, but not limited to: gradual weakening, aching muscles, sunken eyes, painful gums, ashen skin, loss of teeth, internal bleeding, the reopening of old wounds, diarrhea, kidney failure, fainting, halitosis, and death.
Guybrush Threepwood: Will it cure evil pirate curses?
Kenny Falmouth: No, but it has a refreshing citrus flavor with no unpleasant aftertaste.
Guybrush Threepwood: You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee!
Thin Pirate: I look THAT much like you're fiancee?
Guybrush Threepwood: [sung] For those long cold shipboard nights/ We've got boxers, briefs and tights!/ Made from cotton, silk or satin/ Styles Anglo, Dutch or Latin!/ When you sail don't take a chance/ Wearing nothin' 'neath your pants./ Trust... Silver's Long Johns...
Guybrush Threepwood: They breathe!