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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fishing Licensedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LucyDiamond
    ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
    Elite Ratio:    3.95 - 365/561/240
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 66
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 771



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFishing Licensedots
    -------------------------------------------


    So-and-so called me last night
    and said he wanted to start over.
    On your mark,
    get set,
    —go.
    Well, somehow,
    I don’t think so.

    He said it wasn’t him,
    he had a bad day—
    it’s not how he had wanted to say
    ‘Goodbye.’
    (I wish I could have looked that
    in the eye.)
    So I asked him,
    “When do you plan
    on acting like yourself, then?”

    The silence that followed
    was boring—
    it was him, alright.
    Nothing kept me on the line—
    hook and sinker,
    I am out.

    Rip yourself out of me
    with a yank, without a second thought.
    Just wait until you see
    the new fish I’ve caught.





    Submitted on 2008-03-21 05:27:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this, because it's the story of my life. I'm glad it's the story of someone else's life, too, haha. I really enjoyed it though. Dialogue makes poems sound so cool.

    So-and-so called me last night
    and said he wanted to start over.
    On your mark,
    get set,
    —go.

    This was my favorite part. And I'm glad you called him so-and-so. Wonderful.
    | Posted on 2008-03-21 00:00:00 | by wovenwords | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful. It was a simple read, and the inclusion of personal dialogue made it an entertaining read. You maintained a poetic form, even with the inclusion of quoted lines from a "phone conversation" and all in all it flowed really well. Quite a few sets of rhymes and lines are highly original for me, and really spice it up. A couple examples of what im talking about, are places where you divulge from typical poetic format, to really add some flare:

    On your mark,
    get set,
    —go.

    The silence that followed
    was boring—
    it was him, alright.

    Beyond the poetry itself, I really enjoyed the story behind it, and the reference of it compared to fishing.
    Really it was a pleasant entertaining read, and I can honestly say I enjoyed the time I spent reading it.

    Sorry if this critique bounced around a bit, it took me awhile to figure out what I was trying to say.

    | Posted on 2008-03-21 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]



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