Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hang The Moondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LadyInRed88
    ASL Info:    19/f/MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 131/180/32
    Words: 170
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1128
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1069



    Description:
       Ehh... I didnt know what type to list this as. -lol- Misc. seemed to be most fitting. :0)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHang The Moondots
    -------------------------------------------


    The essence of Spring is leaving you,
    Quietly- without a sound...
    Your world has slowly crumbled,
    And the stars have fallen down...

    O, and what will you do when the summer comes,
    And the sun refuses to shine?
    What will you do when you thirst for love,
    And I will not give you mine?

    How will your breath sing songs of passion,
    Once I refuse to live for you?
    O, when your nights are dark and lonely,
    I won't hang the moon for you...

    O, your life is like a rose garden-
    With the skies a shade of gray...
    You stand admiring the briar,
    For the petals have withered away...

    O, and when you face Poseidon's wrath,
    In a Hell-bent roaring sea...
    I will not show the mercy,
    That you've never shown for me...

    I will not guide you through the darkness,
    My heart *won't* bleed for you...
    O, the sky belongs to *me*,
    I will not hang the moon for you...




    Submitted on 2004-06-30 12:34:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      superb is all i can say... this is by far the best poem i have read in here so far... not much i can say to help you relly because you nailed it. go hard and always keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2004-07-29 00:00:00 | by GhiHaD | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this. My favorite stanzas were definetly the fourth and the fifth. You had a pretty nice rhyme scheme going on throughout the poem... then only feedback I have is for the two parts similar to this
    "Once I refuse to live for you?
    O, when your nights are dark and lonely,
    I won't hang the moon for you..."

    I feel like you shouldn't have used "you" twice like that... it felt a bit repetitive. If it were me I would get rid of one of the "you's" and put some other word that rhymes and fits well with the piece. Your choice! Great piece.
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem was amazing...the only feedback I have is for the fourth line in this stanza:

    "O, and when you face Poseidon's wrath,
    In a Hell-bent roaring sea...
    I will not show the mercy,
    That you've never shown for me..."

    the flow of your poem is amazing..I jsut think if you tweaked that line slightly you'd eb able to get a better flow going:O)
    GREAT POEM. This is a favorites.
    --Kayla
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      try "I'll not guide you" the language goes a bit better with the rest of the poem . would also drop "and from ln1 st 5. Your last couplet is a bit off rythm for the two lines before. I like the ending but with ln 3 being shorter than the two before you lose something. Try to lengthen that line maybe changing the word belongs for something more specific.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      It may be something I don't understand, but it would seem that to move from spring to summer and talk about the sun not shining isn't as logical, or dramatic, as maybe moving from summer to autumn, or even winter. Small point, but there's not much wrong to discuss. Also, the ** may make you feel better, since this seems personal, but I think it detracts. Believe me, you made your points.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Muha, now what BT? This person really does know their Greek mythology. Anyway, excellent write. One of the few errors is that you need to add ' after all of the O's.

    ~James "Alexian" Neal
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by alexianx | [ Reply to This ]
      you have a style all of your own... i very like it! i love that YOU own the sky and you wont hang the moon for him! GIRL POWER!

    'How will your breath sing songs of passion,
    Once I refuse to live for you?
    O, when your nights are dark and lonely,
    I won't hang the moon for you...'

    i completely adore these lines! WOW! i mean like boys are so big headed sometimes... thinking they can treat us like crap and expect us to hang around... once i refeuse to live for you... thats freedom... thats living for yourself! thats awesome!
    i also love how you have Posiden in here... very nice touch! i love mythology! awesome write!
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    15928

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry