Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dream of Forest Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 312
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 972
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 2035



    Description:
       it doesn't make sense in all areas, of this i am aware. so its about my eyes running liquid all over the place and the pools that formed. whatever, hope someone enjoi's!
    Latah, ~me

    p.s.~thanks to SugarMouse for adding corrections. rock on. i put mistakes in my works on purpose, you see, to make sure y'all are payin attention... <smirk>.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDream of Forest Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    you always said Dream,
    like the night just crept up
    magically for you whenever
    you got one...Its not as easy
    for me, as I am night itself
    in a pair of tired & glazed
    hazel, fragrant do I come and go
    but not as silently...And in my
    night's shoes do I come
    striding long and sure through
    loam and low-cast reels
    Push my glasses up onto wild
    jungles of blonde that refuse and
    put my hands up to rub distress
    Disturbing the hazel green-brown
    pools
    Nothing happened for a second
    and then they rippled and ran,
    these earthy wells of mine disrupted
    and spilled onto my hands
    Flecks of gold-tailed fish wore
    pearly skins and didn't blink as
    they tumbled all onto my lap,
    Splashing as me in my night's shoes
    and maybe louder, because in
    your dreams I've been before...
    A forest calms with summer's heat
    and autumn's scents and hues, and
    twigs are crackling, snapping in
    energy kept outside where it would've
    been until someone kicked it up
    or a bird used it as a nest-joist
    Supporting those babies that squawk
    at the moving water...
    Please and no, I prayed and semi-
    begged, The waters that they stare
    and swirl at with newborn sight,
    Those are my eyes, darling eagles!
    You have wings that blend like
    acrylic holograms in silver-gilt
    edges...but you can't drink of it
    Be patient with the currents, the
    puddles are running low low lower
    If you keep watching me my tears get
    less and the night moves me
    Slower...Lashes try to grapple me
    back...

    After a short while
    I composed myself and shut
    them up with sleepless doors
    Admiring more un-wistful shades
    of earth that didn't cry out
    From behind my eyes.




    Submitted on 2004-06-30 13:08:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You're just going to swamp my favourites list at this rate… I love it… I didn't much like the title, but the poem blows me away… It makes me think of a really rich coloured tapestry… SO beautiful. I did feel like there was a pause just before this point:

    'After a short while, though,
    I composed myself and shut
    them up with sleepless doors
    Admiring more un-wistful shades
    of earth that didn't cry out
    From behind my eyes.'

    Thought about putting that in a stanza of its own, or do you prefer to leave it as one long thought-flow? I don't like 'though' in the first line. I don't think you need it. This is my only criticism; it's a phenomenal piece of work.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-08-22 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      hey. dunno how you did it, but reading this sort of took me to another place. like taking the mind and soul that read it out of the body i live in. the fact that it is...confusing and not easily given to u on a silver platter reminds me of some of the things i write. i think writing at night is the best, cause u have been through the whole day and you seem to either reflect on it or take yourself away from it all and write what u didnt get. sorry if im sounding confusing. anyway, great write. cya, Anna
    | Posted on 2004-07-07 00:00:00 | by freak writer anna | [ Reply to This ]
      hey gorgeous! this write is well done and so my last few nights
    "I composed myself and shut
    them up with sleepless doors"
    is a brilliant line but most of all i like at the start and how they tell you to dream like its the most natural thing ever when for you and me it so isnt... i really like that coz ive been so ready to yell at all my ppl the last coupla days... hang in there gorgeous and i hope sleep visits you soon
    | Posted on 2004-07-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was pretty good. I always seem to write at night as well. I thought this was really nice and very original. I love your descriptions and the wording that you used. Keep writing at night if your poems are like this one :)
    Brooke
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by melancholystar | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem. hehe I write poems in the middle of the night too so I know what you mean when you say that it just doesnt make sense sometimes. I like the feeling of melting and dripping I get when I read this
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by PoetryQueen | [ Reply to This ]
      a stream of watery wet and vibrant visuals (no pun) that spins into dreamlike wakeness, cascades into near nuttiness, then rebounds just in time for dinner.
    "I composed myself and shut
    them up with sleepless doors"
    it's like the eyes were trying to escape...
    "ok, you can't sleep, but we're tired, so we're gettin out of here to take a nap somewhere warm...do you have any extra blankets?"

    no suggestions for this, as it is quite suggestive enough on it's own...it's very status as a product of late-night creative culminates in a poem that feels like it reads, like its writer...thoughts a blur, following a track, drifting off for moments of reflection, but returning for an unfinishable journey...
    "as I am night itself
    in a pair of tired & glazed
    hazel, fragrant do I come and go
    but not as silently"

    where is the night if the eyes are not awake to see it...maybe the eyes contain the night, maybe just your eyes...
    a nifty and unique write that seems to spill out without burden...just write...nice work april...

    james
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      I love prose and free writing and the sense of it all is oft senseless...you had some original and creative lines and thoughts and like a dream the sequencing isn't always logical or sane.
    I loved it! Great piece!
    Love, Peace, Joy, Grace, Faith!
    | Posted on 2004-06-30 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. Heavy stuff here. Kinda reminds me of a dream i was having of you. You were in it with your watery pools all flowing and i was there like a desert absorbing your tears until there were no more. You looked up at me a smiled. Then i awoke just before our lips met and realized that it was just a dream and this reality, without you, is the nightmare.

    Nice poem though.
    ~Aaron
    | Posted on 2004-07-10 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
      orright!!! this was supergret!! not becuz of the words or anything, but becuz of the imagery the image that u built rite here!! this seemed a dramatic piece of writing slowly rising and rising and rising and building up a climax, tht is really great, the fact that u wrotehttp://www.eliteskills.com/goodcritique.php it in the night. well it was very hard to understand yes, but it too m einto a forest really!!! so great work and keep it up!!

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-07-11 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      ahh sorry about what i did in the earlier comment, my hand went wild *grins sheepishly* sorry man, i am accident prone, and that was so silly......
    | Posted on 2004-07-11 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    15933

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Dream written by closetpoet
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Live In Between written by teika5
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry