This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Deeper Still

Author: Reckoner
Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 122 /164 /128
Words: 580
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1417
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 3715


so much pain, and I have my girl to thank for getting me through it in the end, I would be so gone otherwise.

Deeper Still

Going to send her something
when there was no more light
I set it up so right
everyone would probably fight

a whole lot of time
running around inside
ready for a surprise
can't help but hide

but the devil he's a child
begging for what he lacks
and my funds make him lively
sending me on the attack

but there's no way
to tell the devil anything
so he got away
now I got no way

so numbing pain
shot through me
turned me away
until she caught me
with words and made
me lose it
so sleep is the only way
to soothe it

where blankness persists
razor sharp blanket cords exist
tangled up
on my bed corners
gave me sunlight and
kicked out my bad night

but the sunlight was discouraging
and the new day
seemed like the last day
no time to think about that
panic's got no time for the thing
that I was supposed to be doing

eventually I remembered
and the panic formed
the rest of my morning
caught me off guard and sent me
into the trap that was waiting

I was a caricature of teeth
feeding on a small closing building
smelling her parcel
holding my breath

but they kept me out
and took all I had left
eyes peering toward me
but happy to ignore me

in the adjusted lot
I walked half way
then stopped
and eventually I had to sit
my shame left no footprints

I had nothing left
nothing to muffle the sound
nothing else to think about
or to beat my fists on

my head case
was correctly wired
screwed tight
and forced to listen
to the noise
tuning into the distortion
feeling the heartbeats
everyone was giving
tuning into me
listening to disaster

emotion leaked in
before I could make room for it
two eyes
fused into one solid green catastrophe

they made me lay her back down
against the rust
the most unsightly spot
on this whole uninhabited ground
not good enough for anyone else
regardless of my protest

in my rage
I spilt it all
onto everyone's clean air
chaotic tears and penetrating screams
all of it
into the sea where
all these thieves walked like Jesus
I changed the waves
to neatly tied human carvings
hanging and spilling
from the rafters
above my noisy car ceiling

I rode the gauntlet
from beginning breath
to worthless death
heading straight towards the line
of Easter weekend gatherers
but I was too awake to forget
that she was the reason I lost it

she is someone
that I can never make it up to
someone I would die for
just to give something too
If I had nothing to
she always seems too far
from the truth to be real
but she is real
and she always speaks the truth

when I tried to give her a gift
and when I tried to receive her gift
I failed twice to see that the
gift that was being given
was already inside
and the smiles
were already showing
and the light
was everlasting

Submitted on 2008-03-22 22:56:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Yes Jazzy, just blonde, and 14, and maybe a little bit dense. Maybe read it from someone elses point of view instead of your own. believe it or not, not all poems have to rhyme, if they do in some spots, then neat. this does rhyme in some spots, but it has rhythm throughout the entire thing, which is more important than childish rhyme. Michael this is absolutely brilliant and dont listen to other people who just say they dont like it because they dont understand and because everything is distracting(sign of ADHD). I love you and I love this. Long, but beautiful and we already knew it was a topic most people wouldn't necessarily get. I love you baby.

| Posted on 2008-03-29 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]
  To be perfectly honest, I really don't like it at all. In the beginning, you rhyme in a very distracting way. Later on, that tapers off, which is also very distracting.

It may just be me, but I have no idea what this is supposed to be about. It seems like the beginning was just random stuff that rhymed, and then it came more into something about some girl.

The entire thing is extremely difficult to understand. I have no idea even after reading it several times what it is supposed to be about. Maybe I'm just blonde though, I don't know.

Anyways, thats just me.

| Posted on 2008-03-22 00:00:00 | by Jazzy | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?