It seems to me as though you are really trying here, and I can admire and appreciate that. You are off to a great start but maybe you should consider a different style of writing? This particular style makes it sound so simplistic and the poem seems almost forced. I am so sorry to say it, I really dont mean or want to offend you, but I feel as though you need to work on your writing a bit. . There are a couple of typos, as well.
Just try not to try and find the poem. If it is in you, the poem will come to you.