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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Home of Deteriorationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Darth Zeus
    ASL Info:    21/F/Vacuum
    Elite Ratio:    7.31 - 369/226/34
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1750
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1378



    Description:
       Yeah. it's sort of a tour through a house.. it's symbolic.. See in it whatever you like, though.

    thanks to nikki for nodding in agreement everytime i suggested something.

    if anyone has a better title, (other than house of the cheese-lover, nikki) I will appreciate it & I will consider it. I gave it a quick title now.

    And yeah i wrote it with a melody in my head, I hope you can somehow hear it.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHome of Deteriorationdots
    -------------------------------------------


              Curtains shut, some windows broken,

         barren trees, concrete decay.

    Muffled creaks as the door opens,

    this is not a place to stay.



         Toxic fumes fill empty hallways,

    faded lights shine, then shy out.

         Blackened paint colours the surface,

              pillars rot deep in the ground.


    Shadows cast upon the table,

    shadows cast upon the floor.     

    The walls are falling, nothing’s stable,

    crash around me now once more.



         Shattered glass and broken pictures,

         skin of dust and gritted lung,

    home of solitude, of fractures,

    shout my name before I’m gone.




    Submitted on 2008-03-24 11:58:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      very detailed piece
    extreme and provocative
    bravo..
    | Posted on 2009-01-27 00:00:00 | by MINTPATTY | [ Reply to This ]
      hey jann you kick ass my stuff does not compare iam merely a peasant in your queendom but thanks for letting me in
    | Posted on 2008-11-18 00:00:00 | by zepposzag | [ Reply to This ]
      First off... just want to say that your form blew me away. It was nothing amazingly original... but it was the absolute perfect way to give a poem a reflective form.

    The descriptions in your poem take me on a little trip... through this broken empty house, in some remote forest, untouched in years. Its remote... its spooky, and its just plain surreal.

    I liked that the poem could bring those sensations so fast, it was like emotion after emotion. Almost like a roller coaster in slow motion. Kind of the sensation of exploring a REAL haunted house as a kid, those spooky ones you find out in the woods.

    keep up the imaginative imagery
    | Posted on 2008-07-19 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved the format. I loved the shape as it fell down the page. ^-^!

    I saw in it, myself. (of course)

    But the Imagry of a broken house was too much to resist being narsasistic with...

    Its a unique Piece

    ~Carrie
    | Posted on 2008-07-11 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
      This is (at the risk of sounding like a total fan :)) as absolutely well-written a post as any I've seen on this site is in close to forever. The theme is consistent and the use of a personal reference in the last line is a well-considered image that shocks the reader into considering the house as something not only literal, but metaphoric as well. The choice of words was also, refreshing, particularly the use of 'grit' and 'skin' and the sense that the foundation (stability) of the dwelling was lacking was a nice forshadowing of the last line.

    Ok, I've babbled enough now.
    Good stuff, Jann.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2008-06-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This is excellent, and on such a non-poetic subject. You have good structure here, a consistent theme, and a good rhyme scheme. It really is a well done poem!

    Old abandoned homes are fascinating, and many have character that is enhanced by their abandonment.

    You have done well with this! Bravo!

    It needs a more poetic title tho; hows about

    "House of Solitude And Fractures" as were the next to the last line in the last stanza!
    | Posted on 2008-04-28 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      This has a superb rhythm to it, which is accentuated by the clever formatting.

    It sounds particularly good when recited aloud. In fact it could easily be a choral piece
    or a chant, ending with a crisp crescendo.

    There is great power in the excellent choice of words, which if said with feeling one might imagine could release a charmed spirit. Could this house be unwilling to give up its secrets without a struggle.

    I like that you do not tell us too much. There is just enough for our imaginations to build on whatever we are able to create.
    Whatever, it works very well Janneke, very well indeed.
    J
    | Posted on 2008-04-27 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      Janneke, you continue to amaze me with your ability to write many different types of poetry. I loved loved loved this one! The format of it worked very nicely for the write. It sent chills down my spine at times, which is a powerful feeling for someone who is currently having a hard time feeling ANYTHING right now. I don't really have any writing advice for you, because you and I both know you are far more advanced than I am. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this one. Keep it up darling! Hopefully we have BOTH beat our writers block.
    | Posted on 2008-04-05 00:00:00 | by Good Enough | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow Lakes. *claps enthusiastically* I love it! It's just so...versatile ya know? Like emotions held in a empty run down house, kinda symbolic of a person.

    Curtains shut, some windows broken,


    barren trees, concrete decay.


    Muffled creaks as the door opens,


    this is not a place to stay.

    I don't know. It sounds pretty sweet to me. *grins* I'm just weird like that though. "this is not a place to stay" In my mind I kind of relate this to an old run down house that some kids would take over and use as a hideout or something.

    Toxic fumes fill empty hallways,

    faded lights shine, then shy out.

    Blackened paint colours the surface,

    pillars rot deep in the ground

    Toxic fumes eh? Those little punk a$$ kids better be wary, or else. *grins* Oh! I love your use of the word "shy". I don't think I've ever seen it used in that context before...Mmmm. Black paint. My 2nd favorite color.

    Shadows cast upon the table,
    shadows cast upon the floor.
    The walls are falling, nothing’s stable,
    crash around me now once mor

    Mmk hon. Should be "more". Just sayin. Ok this is where I think that it gets deep. And I just love those two lines! "shadows cast upon the table, shadows cast upon the floor." This is where I see it relating to something deeper. Like "the walls are falling" could be meant to symbolize a person's walls, crumbling (nervous breakdown esque).

    Shattered glass and broken pictures,

    skin of dust and gritted lung,

    home of solitude, of fractures,

    shout my name before I’m gone.

    Mmmm. You changed it up a bit at the end there. "shout my name before I'm gone" Before that you hadn't written of people, just ze "house" and I don't know, I liked how you said to shout. Kind of like an echo in an old empty house! Ok, hope this is good....your poem sure was! *favorites* Peace and inspiration Lakes!

    Duv
    | Posted on 2008-04-01 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      Impacting choice of words, they created a chilling atmosphere - that was bound to preserve the dark mood. Cleverly written I'd say.

    My favourite bits:
    "Shadows cast upon the table,

    shadows cast upon the floor" and

    " Shattered glass and broken pictures,


    skin of dust and gritted lung,"

    and my all time favourite - is the last line...it left a beautiful sentiment.

    Your choice of words to describe feelings and objects intertwined in good way, leaving enough room for your reader to imagine but not too much for them to become confused...

    the set out was a surprise, I as I read from the large text to the small text I got a feeling of "diminishing", becoming smaller...unrecognised (was that yoour intention?) The rhyme scheme worked in a wierd way, like WhY-dO-yOu-CrY said...it's there, on the tipof your tongue but it's not in your face.

    Here are some lines I thought could be improved:
    from: "crash around me now once more"
    to: "crashing 'round me once more"

    for me it seems to flow better on the tongue...the meter is shorter

    and the other one was:
    from: "home of solitude, of fractures"
    to: "home of solitude, home of fractures"
    or to: "home of solitude and fractures"

    once again, it was easier for me this way...but you know, I don't know the melody you had in your head so it might have sounded better your way, cause you know the melody...oh crap I'm babbling...did you get that? I've even lost my self lol.

    Fresh ideas though, you have an intricate decription of something so simple and facinating...good job shaa

    writer chic
    | Posted on 2008-03-25 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem reads very smoothly... if there are any breaks in the meter, I didn't notice; it really has the lilting quality that belongs to music. Also, your imagery (as everyone else has said) is great.

    Two questions: 1. Is there a reason that the font size/style changes half way through? (It was a little distracting to me). 2. Your word choice in stanza one, line three.... I think that creaks might make a little more sense (instead of cracks) ....unless you had a particular meaning here that I missed as well.

    ...looking forward to talking to you about it the next time we meet online!

    Your big sis,
    Doh
    | Posted on 2008-03-24 00:00:00 | by rememberplaydoh | [ Reply to This ]
      haha! i love this!! it was like going in a hanuted house during halloween! my fav lines:
    "faded lights shine, then shy out"
    and
    "Shattered glass and broken pictures,
    skin of dust and gritted lung"

    very interesting imagery and you left it open to each person's own interpretation! i liked the dark ominous aspects of it, i felt right at home lol very good jann :)
    | Posted on 2008-03-24 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]
      hey sweet heart,

    well since i said most of this on IM ill try my best to do a comment for you though im sorry that it couldnt be longer.

    I love the imagry that you placed in here, and how it's not an in your face type of poem.

    You added a lot of unique qualities that is refreshing to see instead of the same old "me meme" poems. i also love your placement of words. there were a lot of ways you could have come at this but the one you chose is really amazing.

    i dont really see any need for improvment in this poem and as always when i see your work im highly impressed.

    all the love,
    Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-03-24 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      o0o0o i liked this. It gives the reader a very dark, macabre feel.ing. I also like how you rythm but it's not so standoutish but you can feel it when you read it. Great job. I also really like how you wrote it. Like broke it apart. it almost feels like your swerving down hallways, trying to get to the end. I loved reading it ^_^

    Cry
    | Posted on 2008-03-24 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]


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