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    dots Submission Name: An Unserving Demeanordots

    Author: Ceyx
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 111/107/81
    Words: 371
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    3.6667
    Bytes: 3179


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Unserving Demeanordots

    The pretension; it melts off of you in waves
    Like a candle lit for days-
    The shape you hold now is not your own
    How I wish I could get through to you
                                                       and not because I care
    But because I want so very much to be there
    My only wish: to watch you burn!

    Head held high, without a reason I can see
    "Hypocrisy is not a lie", you plea as you deny
    Righteousness is your prison and you are it's detainee
    I am the poison fruit you ate off your pretty poison tree
    Knowing what I now know; I've a simple knowledge to bestow:
    Although you're boastful and assuming when most eyes are upon you
    My words won't let you go; they're as consuming as they are true
    The tears I know you cry; they are a comfort to me
    These memories that you keep in your bed before you fall asleep
    You'll reap what you sow...

    You're sowing what you'll reap!

    Alone but not alone
    A different person than the reflection that you've shown
    Such a portentous monster; nothing you could ever put to paper will matter
    In your long run, in their long run; your reflection, how it aches to shatter
    You're not as strong, no, not as brave as they believe
    If they could see you now
                                  -in your moments of doubt
    It does not matter how hard you try to achieve
    It does not matter how many you deceive
    My words eat at you like maggots; nesting in your brain
    You perceive yourself the fire
    You are not even a flame!

    Your acclaim is a fašade
    Because dogs, you see... they will attempt to mate with anything!
    Burn yourself out! Now, let me bask within the glow
    I watered each and every twisted seed of your self-doubt with gasoline
    Now let me watch you preen!
    Preen in the ashes, bitch- You're the Queen of all that's left of yourself...

    Submitted on 2008-03-24 15:19:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
    You know, I think I know who this is about, and if I'm right, then I think I have the right to defend myself.

    But I'm not going to load up with self-defenses here too much, you know?

    I'm just going to say . . . re-read your own poem, Ever-ending Echoes. And just know that everything you wrote there, all the feelings and the doubts and the desires and the falling and the rising and the echoing and the resonation and the emptiness and the longing for fullness . . .

    I feel the exact same way. And I immediately heard you in that poem, and felt a bond with that poem, because I know what it's like.

    So, this poem is unfair and untrue. I never claimed I was a poet (I just write words), I never asked for praise (and frankly I want people to help me grow, not stroke me), and I'm pretty [censored] strong (I ran away from a religious, traditional, letsfindyouaMuslimhubby Islamic family so I could be a free agnostic who writes some words).

    But again, not gonna bore you with defending myself.

    But thank you for allowing me the opportunity to re-evaluate my actions, my words, and my outlooks. I know now more than ever this is the time to plow through the [censored], and be proud of myself, but also be humble enough to admit: I know nothing, but will continue to learn anyway.



    P.S. This is not a jab at you at all. I apologized for lashing out at you before. Just telling you like it is, being as unbiased as possible. I do dig your voice. Please know that.
    | Posted on 2009-01-26 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't have a lot to contribute in the way of constructive criticism to this piece, but I will say that it sounds like a bad combination of Eminem with a man who suffers from both a pronounced mental stutter and a bad case of Tourette's syndrome.

    I do wonder about the overall energy that goes into flaming someone like this? Is it envy, or jealousy, or just that you're offended by someone who has published more by the age of 18 than you're likely ever to publish in a lifetime? In reading the reviewer below me, I can't help but to wonder where the delusion comes from about someone trying to get into your pants . . . from personal knowledge I can definately say that this is HIGHLY unlikely in the extreme.

    Poetry like this (and it's a stretch to call it that, when it's more a bad hip-hop or rap rant) demeans us all and lowers the art to the level of something best left in the bathroom next to your nudie magazines.

    I suggest a closer look into the definition of such words as pretension and presumptuousness, as the meanings typically ascribed are intended for those who have not earned the esteem of those fit to judge that person's ability, talent, knowlege, or whatever. When the person in question has been held in high esteem not only by some of the most prominent poets on this site, but editors, teachers, and even a reasonably famous poet or two . . . I'm not sure it's fair to apply those designators to that person, especially when you do so from so far below on the ladder of accomplishment, looking up her skirt, as it were.

    And that's all I have to say about that.

    | Posted on 2008-05-05 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Epic. I love the way this was structured. Your way of matching rhymes and using unprecedented diction in a way to create a sort of "passionate argument" is something I've never seen in poetry before. There are some parts where the rhymes don't match up perfectly, but if anything it helps to keep the poem from seeming too structured. Your grasp on the language is evident as you draw out the perfect word for each and every situation, and allow it to mesh effortlessly into the overall scheme of the poem. I LOVE the conclusion:

    Your acclaim is a fašade
    Because dogs, you see... they will attempt to mate with anything!
    Burn yourself out! Now, let me bask within the glow
    I watered each and every twisted seed of your self-doubt with gasoline
    Now let me watch you preen!
    Preen in the ashes, [censored]- You're the Queen of all that's left of yourself...

    Sure its aggressive, and somewhat cruel, but its intense, its raw, and its perfectly painted. Her illusions of superiority are false, shes just like the rest trying to get into your pants. You set the base for her to tear herself to shreds with her own doubts, while you get to bask in the glow of the fire you've started. Not quite Shakespearian, but damn good drama.

    It goes well with:

    Head held high, without a reason I can see
    "Hypocrisy is not a lie", you plea as you deny
    Righteousness is your prison and you are it's detainee

    As I can see this whole poem (as fitting of its title), is about someone who thinks WAY too much of themselves, when in reality is just another flawed [censored]ed up individual. Also, her unearned, unwarranted self confidence seems to infuriate you (or at least make you sick), because it is undeserved.

    Eh +fav - (hope this wasn't taken from some crappy Broadway musical or something, I love this piece)
    | Posted on 2008-04-02 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]

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