The Posterity of Wolves - Epilogue by AsiaticFox

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Submission Name: The Posterity of Wolves - Epilogue dots

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Author:	AsiaticFox
ASL Info:	19/M/Universe
Elite Ratio:	6.19 - 162/149/126
Words:	159

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	70
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	908

Description:
The last three pieces of "The Posterity of Wolves". An epilogue, somewhat bittersweet.

The Posterity of Wolves - Epilogue dots

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The sun through the trees. I am loving more and more today, but
this heart dies. Why do I love the broken cup of this world?

O life bringer, show me chains. Lead me to the prison of freedom,
of peace. Your iron bars feel so soft and comforting, like outstretched arms.

The sun is your loving smile.

-

This is a black heart canvas upon the clouds. It beats tumultuously,
so much so that I cannot look away.

Gold, silver, black auras of this dream. I hear the voice telling me
to feel the night.

The ocean of life is still for now. But not so still to put me at ease.

-

I am the tree. I grow at the sight of you.

Tonight shall no longer be as lonely as this forest of enchantment. Now that you
have kissed me. Shake my leaves.

Submitted on 2008-03-25 09:33:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
hey hun !

i love the title lol. okies nough digressing....

"The sun through the trees. I am loving more and more today, but
this heart dies. Why do I love the broken cup of this world?"

first stanza, Line one do you mean

"the sun [rising] through the trees." ??
.
now on your over all stanza you might want to try and use more expressive words. i dont mean change them i just mean ok for example.
Instead of lets say the color red. you can use
Rust, Blood, Crimson (over used i know) Brick.
there are a lot of words you can use that have the same meaning but give more depth.

"O life bringer, show me chains. Lead me to the prison of freedom,
of peace. Your iron bars feel so soft and comforting, like outstretched arms."

I actually like this stanza. though im not a big fan on O a lot cause it usually ends up like a cheesey shakespear imitation.

"The sun is your loving smile."

-

"This is a black heart canvas upon the clouds. It beats tumultuously,
so much so that I cannot look away."

this poem sorta reminds me of a bi polar person now before you say wtf i dont mean it in a bad way. what im saying is. that you jump from up to down light to darkness. its almost like a split personality. ^__^

"Gold, silver, black auras of this dream. I hear the voice telling me
to feel the night. Tonight.

The ocean of life is still for now. But not so still to put me at ease."

you have a sort of clash here with night and to night. youmay want to find another word to put in one of those places cause even though there different words they have the same element which makes it sound repetative.
-

"I am the tree. I grow at the sight of you.

Tonight shall no longer be as lonely as this forest of enchantment. Now that you
have kissed me. Shake my leaves."

again with the Tonight. being as both words are so close to each other i would recomend different words.

Tonight-Shadows, Darkness, Void. im not saying these exactly but something alone the lines of this. and the ending to me is a bit confusing. cause well i dont know the whole story and im coming off what i see here only.

all around this is a well thought out poem with few small problems, well to me anyway there are other points of view you may want to take into consideration instead of just mine.

well good job hon,

all the love and such,
Nikki
| Posted on 2008-03-26 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]

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