Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Daddy Came Home Drunkdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aethyx
    ASL Info:    14/f/sc
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 25/23/15
    Words: 183
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 675
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1199



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDaddy Came Home Drunkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My daddy came home drunk again
    Slapped me in the face
    Sent home my friends
    Why don't you love me?

    I go to my room
    Lay down my head
    Cry out my eyes
    Wish I was dead

    Grab my steel
    Hold it near
    Slice my wrists
    So I can feel

    It's not enough
    My head is rushing
    I cut too deep
    The blood is gushing

    My dad walks in
    To find the mess
    But knowing him
    He could care less

    Even though I'm dead
    I see it all
    The look on his face
    The 911 call

    The cops arrive
    "She's dead, for sure."
    I scream and cry out
    They ignore

    The next thing I know
    I'm zipped in a bag
    Rolled in a drawer
    And my toe's got a tag

    There I wait for a few days
    The stench is unbearable
    As my body decays
    I'm so alone...

    Finally someone comes
    To throw me in the coffin
    Soon be long forgotten
    Kick the dirt over my lid

    Let me have some peace...




    Submitted on 2008-03-25 11:08:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      the feel is ddefinitly there, good slice of write, not very flow freindly, but it is good, you really have family troubles too, i've got plenty. its sad ain't it?
    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      this is one of the sadest things i've read on es. i've read your other works but this one just did me in. the content left scars in my mind and on my heart, i can't really be critical as i don't see many flaws in what/how you wrote this, but i was especially fond of these parts...
    "I go to my room
    Lay down my head
    Cry out my eyes
    Wish I was dead"

    "I'm so alone..."

    i know this feeling all too well...as i'm sure many do...you're not alone in how you feel...

    oh well, you take care :)



    | Posted on 2008-03-25 00:00:00 | by scissorhands | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    159429

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Chelebel
    To written by SavedDragon
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Push written by JanePlane
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Giving written by jjd
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Incubus written by monad
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry