Carry Me On, Loyalty. -------------------------------------------
He enters quietly—
His gait inaudible and cautious
Just as he approaches my ivory bedpost.
Ghastly hands outstretch and caress;
A quick simple kiss renews my soul—
Nothing to fear—
Carried to Heaven,
Pleasantly flying through Purgatory
And over familiar Hell.
I like this - your technique is excellent and the format you've chosen helps to create a mood, an atmosphere that compliments the content.
AS I read it, I got this feeling of sombre and in an awkward way, a feeling of melancholy. But as I read on, the words turned and began to tell a chilling story...of something beautiful but that causes pain...the contrast of heaven and hell - simple yet idealistic, eloquent...
The dashes you've used create interesting beats..a turn of ideas, except I didn't find it necessary after "Nothing to fear" but I don't know maybe you can just explain it to me...
"Pleasantly flying through Purgatory
And over familiar Hell."
Now, I absolutely loved that! It got me, perfect ending to this poem...
Now, am I right when i assume that it is your loyalty to him that makes you return to him even thuough that is associated with bad memories? Been-there-done-that-but-can't-stay-way-kind-of-thing?
I hate when people try to use "short" as a critique. -It's as long as it will need to be, you know? As long as you get an image, a picture- a story in a frame; then mission accomplished. And, again- you accomplish the mission, secret agent!!! I just love your style. "Short and intense" as someone else below me said... Word.
wow
nice choice in words this was really good but we all have our own hell's
it was short but very good keep putting writing like this and maybe some one might just ask you to write book or whatever
well anyways
good jobs keep at it
Short and intense, i love the dramatic impact you were able to captivate in me after a mere 9 lines. Your imagery is superb you go as far as to describe the cautiousness of his gait, which really helps to set the mood. You also manage to get a lot of contrast in such a short space: Heaven/Hell. Good read, thanks for posting.
Submission Name: Carry Me On, Loyalty.
