Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Depositing my heartdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: entropy
    ASL Info:    19 / M / TN
    Elite Ratio:    3.25 - 8/10/11
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 840
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 822



    Description:
       One of my first peices. I'm just getting into writing.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDepositing my heartdots
    -------------------------------------------


    What a surprise seeing you here...
    You're depositing? I'm withdrawing...
    Polar opposite per usual.

    Enter stage left a man in a mask,
    with dire intentions.

    On the floor with sensations so familair...
    we're so close.

    We're to close, I can hear beeping,
    "What's your emergency?"...?

    To late I realize,
    to early does he.

    Words are thrown, completely unknown to me,
    for all I care about is what I perceive:

    A metal dart, aimed for your heart.

    I always thought you would be the one...
    looking downwards as I die.
    Polar opposite per usual.

    I'm better than Romeo,
    It's to late, but now you know.




    Submitted on 2008-03-26 00:22:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i got the PANIC! At the Disco vibe too.

    Very vivacious.

    But also the theatrics bleed through as well, likely do to the line about the masked man's entrance.

    this is another excellent attempt at poetic expression, you deserve a ribbon or a cookie or something.

    you are definately better than i was when i started writing.

    (and older too)
    | Posted on 2008-03-27 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this. it reminds me of something panic at the disco would write and sing.

    it has a theatrical feel to it. a big stage with a small, relatable play on it.

    "On the floor with sensations so familair...
    we're so close."

    is my favorite line, but it all holds together well to tell a short story of love-that-never-was. i think most of us can relate to what you've written in one way or another. i would really like to hear this put to music.

    the only thing i can see wrong with it is a spelling error.

    "We're to close, I can hear beeping,
    "What's your emergency?"...?"

    'to' should be 'too'.

    other than that, it's spotless to me. you said you're new to writing and you'll only improve as you write more and more. so i encourage you to write as often as you can and experiment with different styles and words and structures.

    ill be on the look-out for more of your work.

    xo.
    | Posted on 2008-03-26 00:00:00 | by caster | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    159463

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry