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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dionysus for Presidentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sheakhan
    ASL Info:    21/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    5.84 - 163/162/70
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 78
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 806



    Description:
       strange experimentation..

    input?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDionysus for Presidentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dionysus said I was a saint,
    I suspected he were
    speaking through a taint.

    His wine consumption more than tripled mine,
    and I can tell you I was feeling fine.

    So fine...

    Spirals catch me by the eye,
    and drag me down to pieces I,
    cannot replace or reconfigure.

    But likely looking it does seem near,
    that I will find a better dream here,
    to help me chase myself on through the night.

    And I confess that I am praying for a fight.

    Let's fight.

    Derail this and resupply,
    the brain with thoughts it will oblige,
    as less than fleeting more like meeting,
    Jesus for the first time.

    I wonder if we'll fight.




    Submitted on 2008-03-27 06:59:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      im with miss flynn on the commas... most of them are unneeded.
    your line breaks function as commas in this piece... they cause the reader to pause, thinking the sentence is at an end, only to make them jump quickly with the next word realising they stopped mid thought which is cool.


    dionysus for president.
    my life would be over if he were president.
    red wine knocks me on my nose too easily.


    i must say the rhyme got a little much and kinda distracted me from what you were saying toward the end. are you wondering if you would fight with jesus if you were to meet him?

    you know he changed water into wine right? he and dionysus could be friends on a foundation/understanding like that
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      and drag me down to pieces I,
    cannot replace or reconfigure.


    Get rid of the comma after "I", it's not needed.

    But likely looking it does seem near,
    that I will find a better dream here,


    Get rid of the comma after "near", it's not needed.

    the brain with thoughts it will oblige,
    as less than fleeting more like meeting,


    Get rid of the comma after "oblige", and put it after "fleeting", then remove the comma after "meeting", it's not needed.

    Why do you rhyme.
    | Posted on 2008-03-27 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


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