Trapped Inside Insanity
|
|
Description:
I tweaked it a bit when I got it back from my teacher. What do you think? I actually really like it. The last line was totally different in the original but I changed it, it used to be
"One filled with joy and happiness, and not one of death and grief"
It didn't really go with the poem so I changed it, but I still don't think the last line does the poem as a whole justice. I'll change it if I think of a better one, but for now it's gonna stay unfortunately.
"One filled with joy and happiness, and not one of death and grief"
It didn't really go with the poem so I changed it, but I still don't think the last line does the poem as a whole justice. I'll change it if I think of a better one, but for now it's gonna stay unfortunately.
Trapped Inside Insanity
Deeply rooted Sphere, Eccentric and relentless You walk aimlessly through the mazes in your mind, Slowly loosing yourself In the depths of your sanity, You ask yourself, "What is this place, this place filled with nightmares and bleak fears?" "Why do I seem to know where I am going? When I know I have never visited such a morbid place." These unanswered questions confuse you even more, So you stop, Look around, And take in the decaying walls surrounding you. And the molding ground beneath your feet. A scream! You jump. Panting now, You run, Searching for a way out. LIGHT AHEAD! Creeping through the cracks of a worn down wooden door. You throw yourself at the gateway, Yelling in triumph as the object of your desire whips open. Blinded by light you squeeze your eyes shut "Come to me, my child. Open your eyes and gaze upon your freedom," A mystical voice speaks to you. You are compelled to listen and obey. Opening your ice blue eyes, you stare at the mesmerizing forest before you. A small barely noticeable smile makes its way onto your face as you think of your new life, One filled with light, and not covered by the dark. |
Submitted on 2008-03-27 18:09:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post
Comments
| i like this..and the last line suits it.. you might want "slowly losing yourself" this reminds me of the Moody Blues..."to our children's children's children" kind of fantasy, kind of medievil in feel... the whole feel of the piece... "floating, free as a bird, sixty foot leaps, it's so absurd. From up here you can see the view..such a lot of things for me and you" (Moody Blues) i like anything that reminds me of Moody Blues! you'll find a way out. jacob | Posted on 2011-04-21 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ] | This was great. I was amazed by the creativity and the extent you put into it. It was very refreshing. Not something you would normally see. Very nicely pieced together. | | Posted on 2008-10-20 00:00:00 | by Aangskate | [ Reply to This ] | This was a much better ending than the original, I must say. It certainly fits in with this piece much better, as you said. | I really enjoyed the way you wrote this. Especially that you speak to the reader as though you were telling them about themselves. It's a very interesting concept. I certainly know those mazes of insanity myself ;) | Posted on 2008-03-29 00:00:00 | by darkened_soul | [ Reply to This ] | This is an excellent short story, with a mythical, ethereal happy ending. The mood of the story exceeds the words, which displays talent! | I think it needs a stronger title, Kayla; what about "What Is This Place" Nice work, lovely lady! | Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ] | |
159546
Edit/Delete posts
Create Writing
Create Journal