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This is the first time
I’ve ever seen the grandmother emotional.
She is mourning a time
when she was fourteen,
No one knows.
It was after the dance and he had his way
But she took off her dress,
the victim, we thought…
and he married her two months later.
(It wasn’t soon enough).
In a single minute she had
become his wife.
In a single minute she had
the rest of her life.
| this interests me|
'the grandmother' as if you are completely removed from the situation and the family. like you are an onlooker but have been so for such a long time that you are able to be present at such meltdowns...
its interesting the changes in society from then to now... now parenting children unmarried or completely single is a completely normal every day phenomenon where as back in the day he either gave her a ring or she was sent to stay with her "aunt" for a few months...
i dont really think 'it wasnt soon enough' contributes anything to the piece because i think its kind of a written between the lines idea that is already present... well it was in my mind as i read it.
and this is how one moment can change your world...
|| Posted on 2008-03-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] || It's really quite amazing how much one moment can change everything; one decision, one wrong turn, one moment when you felt like you could carry the world on your shoulders. But what's more amazing is that it also takes one more moment to turn that around or to make it better.|
I think that life as an equation is already ideal that way. Every moment presents a chance to change everything.
But trouble with us is that our education, our upbringing, and everything else that seperates us from other animals are the very thing that forbids us from looking outside the box and seeing those "choices."
What I like about your piece is the subtlety and the combination of no-nonesense-language combined with a heartfelt arrangement of words. That's what gives it power, I think.
As for my criticism, I don't think you really need the line it wasn't soon enough. Personally, I think that it shakes your piece a bit; like a sudden jolt in a serene arrangement of moves.
But then again, maybe that's just me.
Anyway, this piece has strength. I think that it would be more powerful read aloud to an audience than read in silence. I hope you get the chance to do that.
|| Posted on 2008-03-29 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] || This is very mature poetry. And not just because of the content and perspective in it. The fact that it's the grandmother brings it a hundred times more "human" feel to it; of sin having not been invented by today's youth (no matter how wild they may be), but of it having been passed down by, well, our grandparents. |
The subtlety is unbearably well done and is like an invisible, yet sweet garnish to an awesome dish at Stanley and Seaforts.
....I couldn't think of anything else to compare it to.
|| Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ] || I really like the set up of ths poem, how you have stanzas and single lines to get your point. |
I would suggest taking the parenthesis around the line it wasn't soon enough. I think it takes away from what you have already set the eyes to follow. I would sepeerate the line out like you did "no one knows" and "the rest of her life".
|| Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by qualitybait | [ Reply to This ] |