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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Crashdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Razor2TheRosary
    ASL Info:    24 - f - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 238/127/51
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1039
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1207



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrashdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It sounds like something you would have said.
    There's so much more you could have bled, you know.
    One more remix of one more song
    is one more way to sing it wrong
    because someone else has already heard it.

    Innocent, aren't we all when still?
    Her desperation makes me ill, you know.
    One more shadow of one more ghost
    brings one more way to overdose
    because swallowing isn't toxic enough.

    Honesty seems overpriced these days,
    and stars spark faster in this haze, you know.
    One more mirror of one more fuse
    lights one more word you 'never' use
    because someone else has already heard it.

    Beautiful, aren't we all tonight?
    Poetic, aesthetic, polite... you know.
    One more stalker of one more bitch
    finds one more way to make her twitch
    because omission is always betrayal.

    But I'm closer than the average creep,
    watching even when you're asleep, you know.
    One more chorus and one more verse
    make one more crash sound so much worse
    because someone else has already heard it.




    Submitted on 2008-03-28 04:36:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I agree with caster on the fact that this poetry shud actually be lyrics...find out some melody for it coz the whole pattern is just MMMMMM...azing.

    and yes...i loved the YOU KNOW parts as well...they just fit in and give the poetry the lax but angry vibe that i got while i read it. i loved the last stanza the most...clever way to finish a beautifully thought out write-up.

    keep up the great work!
    | Posted on 2008-12-26 00:00:00 | by obaid | [ Reply to This ]
      "Innocent, aren't we all when still?
    Her desperation makes me ill, you know.
    One more shadow of one more ghost
    brings one more way to overdose
    because swallowing isn't toxic enough"

    I love this whole verse, well written, almost put me in a trance with the ryming scheme, if I start squaking like a chicken tonight I'll know who to blame!,

    Thanx,

    Spin
    | Posted on 2008-04-28 00:00:00 | by Spin | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved the lines.......
    "Beautiful, aren't we all tonight?
    Poetic, aesthetic, polite... you know."

    You always have a way with words that makes people think your pissed at the world.(smile)

    I bet in real life your sweet as can be. Don't shoot me for that one LOL.

    Hugz
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2008-04-16 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      
    *looks down*
    oooo...only two typos...not bad.
    HA HA!
    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm...I'd drop the 'you know' in the second line of the last stanza. Just doesnt belong there, ya know?

    Otherwise...it was sort of a sad write. I am typing this with my eyes closed just for practice. And so I can remember what it was like when I was blind and in the whom. Functioning yet not able to see. Yes, I often remind myself of life in the womb...just cuz. So if I type a typo, well now you know why. Theough I am good at finding the backspace button...even in the dark.

    Anyway, I just felt a dark poem shhould be commented in the dark. This was definately one of your darkest. I also think you repeated that heard it all before line more than was necessary. Leave it in the first stanza or last one but not both and definately not in the middle. Anyway, just my opinion.

    Thanks for sharing Nikkki
    | Posted on 2008-04-03 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a good thing that you tied it all together in the end. It was fading for me somewhere in the middle but I'm glad that it worked out as it got to the end.

    To me, it reminds me of how it's like when you've been with someone who is worth the world and then losing him/her. In that situation, everything else that follows, every other "lover" would fail miserably because your pallet for the right person has already made to be far too sophisticated for others.

    It's like in eating. When you've already tasted the food with the strongest flavor, chances are, everything else would taste weak.

    Again, I could be off track with this, but anyway.

    I like the overall flow of your piece. It's a good thing you decided to make it come in full circle because, had you chosen otherwise, I don't think it would've worked as well as it did.

    Like most of the pieces I've read today, I think that this is much better read aloud so the tone and the quality in the reader's manner of speaking could add spice and support the piece's structure. And like I told those writers, I hope you get a chance to do that.

    Later.
    | Posted on 2008-03-29 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this poem ecspecially the 'you know' parts. It really made me stop and think about what you just said. I loved that. You know, you should make a book of your poems ^_^ either for your own personal gain or to sell it. either way i still think you should.

    ^_^

    Cry
    | Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]
      i hate you.

    give me your talent, your knife, and all your prescription pills.

    these should be lyrics. all you need is a chorus. five verses would be an unusually long song, but who cares when the words are so good.

    i feel like this is about me. but im not sure why it would be. maybe i just think that cause i wrote a song inspired by you. i hope it isnt about me.

    i'm so vein ;)

    i cant pull out one line or one stanza to highlight on this. i love it all. totally, completely, hopelessly. i want to steal your words and never tell anyone i did.

    i hate you.

    xo.
    | Posted on 2008-03-28 00:00:00 | by caster | [ Reply to This ]


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