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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Accept the Tidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 279
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 680
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1856



    Description:
       I don't think it's as good as some of my work, lemme know what you think


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAccept the Tidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Come into the water
    And swim with me
    The water is warm and calm
    And feels empty

    No need to be alarmed
    That's just the tide
    Little waves swimming through
    They pass us by

    Come and catch a wave with me
    There's water unexplored
    If I struggle in the deep
    You can pull me to shore

    I see predators of the sea
    Don't pay them any attention
    They search our bond for a weakness
    So focus and prevent one

    I don't know what's out there
    It's too deep to wade
    But as long as you are with me
    I won't be afraid

    And if you leave
    Then sink me now
    Push me under
    And let me drown

    Because without you here
    I don't want to face
    These waters alone
    Or another place

    Now the waves have picked up
    It feels like your gone
    I swim towards you
    My heart moves me on

    Because soon the waves will die
    Like they always do
    And when the sea calms
    I want to be with you

    Trust that the waters will tame
    And take my hand
    We'll be in this together
    Until the end

    I can see doubt in your eyes
    I see a frown on your face
    Fear crawls up my spine
    Are you lost without a trace

    I'll drown myself
    Swimming after you
    Don't you pretend
    You don't want this too

    The storms shift the waters
    Things will always change
    But when they calm again
    I'll still love you the same

    You can chance the water
    Don't drift too far
    Hurry back to me
    I'll be waiting




    Submitted on 2008-03-28 05:01:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Overall, I thought this was good. There were several minor flow errors, but you'll hear them if you try to read this aloud. Most of the time it's a line that's one syllable too short, or something else small like that. No terrible offenses.

    My nitpicking nature is demanding that I tell you that I think in stanza 10, that hand/end rhyme is a bit too much of a stretch.

    I'd also like to see the end rhyme. Sometimes changing the last line like that works, but I think because this is so long, the reader gets used to the rhyming scheme, and the end is just like hitting a brick wall, instead of coming to that gentle stop, like that tide pushing you back to shore ;)

    But I'm just being picky now.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2008-03-30 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


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